


gravity makes wonders (but it never seems to wait)

by wordsasweapons



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Flashbacks, Near Future, and stormy it is, it ends happily though i'm too soft not to let it, you gotta go through the storm to get there though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 07:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15625386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsasweapons/pseuds/wordsasweapons
Summary: Love is messy and stupid and doesn't really make sense. Sometimes it feels all encompassing in the best of ways, and other times it felt like it was caving in around you.A lot of things happen this way for her. Most notably, Evgenia falls in love like that.





	1. intro: december, 2018.

**Author's Note:**

> so. this has been in the works for a while. all thanks to a certain enabler and a song that wouldn't leave me alone. the group chat dedicated to making this happen paid off, i think.
> 
> this is from zhenya's pov, and told in parts over a year. plus an epilogue.  
> this fic is messy and stupid in of itself probably but here it is nonetheless.
> 
> the song is cave me in - gallant by the way. if you want a musical companion to go with this. the lyrics help with a lot of words and parts in this because i'm that dumb angsty hoe for lyrics finding their way into silly things i write.
> 
> anyway, enjoy.  
> xo

_**~~~** _

 

_Breathe, Zhenya, breathe._

 

It’s those same words she repeats to herself. Over and over again, in the hope that it will actually calm her down. Help regulate that breathing of hers. It works for the time it takes for her to breathe in, and then breathe out. And then she’s thinking all over again.

 

She can’t stop thinking. Hasn’t been able to since she arrived in Vancouver a few days ago.

 

Her coach seems to sense this, Brian waving her over to the boards. She pushes across the ice as he weaves his way through other skaters and coaches. Both of them meeting on their respective sides. Brian’s hands extend over the padding and wordlessly she lifts and places her own in his open palms.

 

“Clear your mind, Evgenia. You started to lose your focus there at the end. We don’t want distraction to pull you from what’s important here, right?”

 

“Right,” she nods stiffly.

 

“Or worse, we don’t want distraction to lead to injury. Look at me, and breathe slowly with me.”

 

Her hanging head raises and she finds kind eyes awaiting her. She breathes with him, even though she wants to tell him it hasn’t been working for her. Eyes closing as her lungs fill, fluttering back up as she releases that breath. Brian smiling at her, but giving her a significant look as he speaks again.

 

“Good girl. We’re nearly done. One more run through. Keep your eyes ahead of you, don’t look to your right. Don’t look to your left.”

 

She nods again, feels fingers tighten around her hands in an encouraging squeeze, then she’s released. Slowly making her way back out to the center of the ice. She shakes her hands out, sways from side to side and whispers those same words Brian had uttered, only in Russian this time. Something she did when she needed something that felt familiar and comfortable to her. She follows half of his advice. She doesn’t look right, but that doesn’t matter. It’s when she takes to her starting pose, on the slightest of left angles, that it happens.

 

When she sees her.

 

Just a figure moving by. But it’s enough.

 

It’s enough for it all to come back. Every thought she’s been overthinking for days. Months, maybe. All of it flooding in like a tidal wave and Evgenia is powerless against the weight crashing into her.

 

It was all caving in around her. She couldn’t stop it.


	2. december, 2017.

**_~~~_ **

 

__There are voices speaking animatedly around her, but she isn’t paying any attention to that. Nose buried in the program in her hands once more, feigning interest in things she already read just hours ago. It’s better than being sociable, she doesn’t want to be sociable right now. She would much rather go home, crawl under the covers and do some more crying and—

 

“Hey,” a soft voice appears next to her. A shoulder lightly bumping hers.

 

“Hey,” she says back. Still not looking up.

 

It doesn’t seem to discourage the girl standing next to her when she says; “We should duck out of here for a bit.”

 

That does get her attention, looking up with a questionable brow.

 

“Zagitova, have you grown bold suddenly?”

 

A smirk forms on the younger girls lips, Evgenia’s eyes pulled from that after what might be too long of a gaze, to Alina moving her coat from under her arm and handing it to her. She hadn’t even asked her to go and get it. Apparently she really was on a mission.

 

“We might get in trouble,” she says with trepidation. Alina only shrugs.

 

“ _She_ isn’t here. No one will notice, trust me. Put your coat on.”

 

Evgenia does and doesn’t want to address the not noticing part. More so because she thinks it came from a place of no one will notice what _Alina_ does, and where Alina goes. It doesn’t sit well with her. But she pushes that thought down, pulls her coat on and follows closely behind the girl as they slip through the crowd, through a back door that amazingly doesn’t set off any alarms and into the bitter Moscow winter.

 

She bites back a hiss as she reaches into her coat pockets for her scarf, winding it around her neck and up over her mouth. Putting her gloves on next.

 

“Tell me why we’re out here and not back inside. You know, where it’s warm.”

 

“I thought you might want to talk. Or not talk. Maybe you want to be anywhere else, and where it’s quiet.”

 

Alina was observant, too. She shouldn’t be surprised. The quiet ones usually are.

 

“Are you thinking about it?”

 

She lets out a sigh, words following that come out sharply, in a way that she doesn’t really mean to voice. “You mean the injury that could be the end of my career? It’s all I can think about.”

 

For a moment all she can hear is the faint whistling of the wind and she regrets her tone right away. Apologetic eyes moving to the other girl.

 

“I’m sorry, I— I didn’t mean to sound like that.”

 

“Don’t apologize. I get it.” There’s a pause, a thoughtful scrunch to Alina’s features behind her scarf, and then she’s speaking again. “But this won’t be the end of your career.”

 

“At least you’re confident,” she snorts sarcastically. Regretting that a second afterwards as well.

 

Apparently, being quiet about this long enough had her releasing all those pent up feelings without any sort of filter. And one look at the noticeable, even behind that scarf, defeat on Alina’s face makes her regret it more.

 

They just look at each other for a moment, and then Alina’s turning away and continuing on ahead. Evgenia not at all sure where she’s going, or if she’s allowed to still accompany her. She decides to take her chances, following a step or two behind until the girl stops at a nearby bodega. Walking inside without looking behind her, and because she hasn’t been told to go away yet she still follows after her.

 

“Two hot cocoas, please,” Alina says to the man behind the counter. Evgenia stepping up, quick to say she’ll pay herself but Alina waves her off silently. Pulling her wallet from her coat pocket and sliding over the needed Rubles.

 

Alina hands one of the cups over when the man brings them, both girls moving over to the small area of tables and chairs by a small window that looks out onto the street. Alina sips her cocoa and Evgenia stares at the few pedestrians passing by.

 

The silence is deafening and she doesn’t understand why Alina didn’t just tell her to fuck off. She twists her gloves in her hand before pushing them aside on the table and turning to look at the girl.

 

“I’m sorry for my attitude.”

 

“You’re going through a lot.”

 

“It’s no excuse.”

 

“Perhaps,” Alina says with a hum of agreement. It makes Evgenia smile somehow.

 

“Can you please just tell me I’m an asshole or something. You’re too nice to me.”

 

Alina gives her a look like that was the most ridiculous request in the world.

 

“Why would I want to do that?” She asks. “I’m not your enemy, Zhen.”

 

She understands the deeper meaning of that without having to ask. She was all too aware of the thing hovering between them. Some stupid rivalry too many people wanted, without taking into account the feelings of the young girls involved. She didn’t want to hate Alina. She didn’t hate Alina. Evgenia swallows slowly, looking down at her drink and staring into the steam billowing up at her. She chooses not to say anything about that. Silence once more, before a thought crosses her mind. They had plenty else to talk about, but it was the only thing she could think of. Considering what she herself was going through.

 

“How did you get through the injuries that you suffered?”

 

She knows well enough that Alina doesn’t like talking about that, but she also knew it was common knowledge at this point. She watches the dark haired girl bring her cup to her lips, taking a slow sip as she seems to be mulling over that question.

 

“Sometimes I’m not sure,” she admits eventually. Sighing a lengthy sigh as her shoulders rise and fall. “All I know is, it woke me up somehow. Made me realize skating was what I really wanted, and I wasn’t going to let what happened to me stop me from having that.”

 

It seems so simple, even though she knows that isn’t the case.

 

“This is all I want,” she mutters under her breath. “To get better. To do what I love.”

 

“You’ll get there,” Alina says. Kind and good and for a moment Evgenia doesn’t believe someone that kind and good can be real.

 

The brush of Alina’s knee to her own under the table, the hand coming to rest over hers. It’s definitely real.

 

“I support you one hundred percent. Asshole.”

 

The laugh that leaves her is instantaneous, lifting her head and meeting Alina’s eyes that have a little twinkle to them after that. She thinks the same is reflected in her own eyes.

 

She won’t think about how it might have all started that night, in that bodega with cheap hot cocoa and a mutual understanding of pain and grief. She won’t think about how she might have fallen the tiniest bit in love with the girl who was too kind and too good.

 

She won’t think about it for a little while longer, at least.


	3. january, 2018.

_**~~~** _

 

__There’s a buzz in the crowd that normally would feel intoxicating. Maybe she’s been away long enough for it to feel that way, to not feel like much of anything. At least that’s what she wants it to be. She’s waving to the crowd with a smile in place, but she doesn’t quiet feel that smile either. She wanted to compete at Europeans with every fiber in her being, but she knew deep down she hadn’t been ready. Flashes of the mistake in the short program playing in her mind. Laying in bed earlier that morning and aching all over and not sure if she could get up.

 

If Evgenia had to boil what she was feeling down to anything, it would be exhaustion. She wonders if it could be read as disappointment. Disappointment that she had lost, had only gotten a silver behind her younger training mate. The decline of Medvedeva.

 

Of course, that was undoubtedly the media’s choice of narrative. Evgenia didn’t feel that. You don’t _really_ lose if you go home with a medal, right?

 

And Evgenia was proud of Alina. She told her so when she had skated up to the podium before taking her spot. Arms thrown around the girl’s neck as Alina had brought her in closely as well. She had whispered simple words of praise and a passing joke between them that had earned a near chuckle from Alina as she had eased back. The two of them standing side by side and singing their anthem with enthusiasm.

 

Evgenia couldn’t feel disappointment in that.

 

She felt disappointment in herself later. When she felt out of breath after lugging her equipment and costume bag back to her hotel room. Sitting on the edge of the bed with her palms flat on her knees, head hanging and breathing deeply. She felt weak, and she hated that more than anything.

 

Her phone is vibrating somewhere in her backpack, and she knows she’s forgotten to call her mom and tell her how everything went and that she was back safely. She opts to send a text instead, saying she was going to shower and unwind to buy herself some time. Time to collect herself. She didn’t want her mother to hear her out of breath and potentially in a mood and then ask her questions. She didn’t think she had the energy to explain.

 

She realizes pretty quickly who it was she wanted to talk to at that moment. Switching over to another thread of texts.

 

**Can you come to my room?**

 

She doesn’t have to wait long at all for a response.

 

_I’ll be there in a bit._

 

With an exhale of relief, she tosses her phone aside and falls backwards on her bed. Closing her eyes for a moment and she kind of just wants to fall asleep and not wake up for a week or so. About ten minutes pass when there’s a knock at her door. Evgenia slowly pushing herself up and padding over to the door.

 

“Hey,” Alina smiles to her when the door sweeps open. Bringing the faintest of smiles to her own face.

 

“Thanks for coming,” she utters. Stepping aside to let the girl in. Watching Alina take a look around the room, probably inwardly scolding her for simply throwing her stuff on the floor. She’s come to find that Alina is extremely organized, despite her tendency to be a bit forgetful and frankly kind of a walking disaster at times. It was probably one of the things that makes her endearing.

 

After a moment of standing in silence, Alina turns back to her and takes a step forward. Concern etched across her face and dripping from her voice.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

Evgenia nods quickly. “Yeah. Yeah, I just— I wanted to see you.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah,” she repeats lamely.

 

The lines of concern curve into a half smirk. Alina tilting her head a bit as she speaks with playfulness. “You haven’t grown sick of me yet? You aren’t planning on killing me and snatching my medal from me are you?”

 

If she had been anyone else, and if Alina had been anyone else, that probably wouldn’t have been funny. They made it funny instead of whatever else it was supposed to be.

 

“That would make for quite the dramatic story, huh?”

 

A faux, forlorn sigh leaves the girl. Pretending as if she’s reading something written from the fake headlines of their little joke. “Well. You know those Russian’s, crazy as crazy can be.”

 

A quiet laugh leaves her throat, taking a step closer herself now. And instead of saying anything, Evgenia simply lowers her head to Alina’s shoulder and snakes her arms around her waist. Alina doesn’t question it, just follows suit. One hand at her lower back while the other finds it’s way to the back of her head. Gently toying with her hair until the braided bun comes undone. Forcing a sigh to leave her.

 

“That feels better.”

 

“Good,” Alina whispers back to her. Fingers gently combing through her hair until it feels a little less tense from the pins and hairspray.

 

She isn’t entirely sure how long they stand there, but Evgenia doesn’t really care. It was exactly what she had needed, and she hadn’t even actually spoken to her friend at all yet. And Alina hadn’t forgotten.

 

“Did you want to talk? Is that why I’m here?”

 

“Mhm,” she hums lazily in response.

 

“Couch or bed?” Alina asks.

 

“Bed. I might fall asleep on you.”

 

“As long as you don’t drool or snore it’s not a problem.”

 

She feels Alina’s body move with the snort of laughter she lets out. Evgenia grinning into her neck and whining when the girl starts to move away, pulling her along to the bed.

 

“You’re like a log.”

 

“I feel like one.”

 

“The exhaustion is hitting you hard, I imagine.”

 

Her response is a grunt of agreement. Collapsing into the messed up comforter and sheets that she hadn’t fixed after waking up. Grabbing one of the many pillows and lying on her stomach with her arms around it, chin resting atop her folded hands. Alina settles cross legged at an angle next to her. Neither of them speak, and Evgenia thinks it was Alina giving her room to speak when she was ready. Considerate as always.

 

“Did it feel weird? Competing against each other?” She eventually asks.

 

“I don’t think it felt weird,” Alina admits quickly. Bottom lip pulled between her teeth though in a moment of fast thought, adding with a touch of uncertainty. “Did it feel weird for you?”

 

“No. I mean, it did. But in a different way. Like it was almost hard to believe I was back out there competing. But I liked competing with you.”

 

“Against me.”

 

Evgenia shakes her head, brows furrowed. “I don’t like that. We compete together. We aren’t _trying_ to defeat the other. Not like that. I know it’s a battle out there, and I do set out to win, but it isn’t about being against you, beating you.”

 

Alina seems to consider that for a bit, gaze falling with a ghost of a smile on her lips as she looks at her hands resting in her lap. Voice soft when she speaks. Almost like she’s embarrassed. Or bashful. “I liked competing with you, too. I think… I think you make me better.”

 

“Well, I’m shit out of luck then if my presence only makes you better,” she teases. Watching Alina’s face shift into a look of half amusement and half insult. Evgenia reaching and covering one of Alina’s hands with her own. The pad of her thumb gently brushing over soft skin.

 

“You make me better, too.”

 

It was the test of an athlete, that delicate balance between sport and something personal. Something human. Could you be an athlete, detached from it all in order to compete against the entire field you face, even if one of those people was someone you cared for? Could you do so without disrupting that balance between sport and that human residing beneath the mask of an athlete?

 

Evgena likes to think they passed that test with ease. Especially because she doesn’t think many other rivals would end the day they had faced off against each other, in the same bed and nearly cuddling after exhaustion had finally taken over and both had fallen asleep.

 

Evgenia’s phone rings sometime in the middle of the night, lifting her head from the pillow with bleary eyed confusion for a moment or two as she fumbles around for it. Turning on her side to pick it up off the bedside table. About to switch it to do not disturb when she realizes it’s her coach. Sitting upright with a bit more attention as she accepts the call.

 

Eteri wastes no time in getting to the point. “The selection results are in. You’ll be competing in the Winter Games next month. Congratulations, Zhenya.”

 

Her mouth falls open, but no words leave her. Not right away. What does one even say right after being told they were going to be competing in the _Olympics_? She pushes her hair back away from her face, looks next to her.

 

“And Alina?”

 

“Yes, of course. Alina, too.”

 

She swallows, breathes out a thank you and a few uh huh’s when Eteri gives her a bit more info about what was coming next. And when the call ends, she just stares into the dark room, eventually letting out some sort of bewildered, amazed, disbelieving laugh. Loud enough to cause the other body in the bed to stir. Alina speaking in a sleep cracked voice.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“We’re going to the Olympics next month,” She murmurs in the same wonderment she was feeling.

 

“That’s cool,” Alina mumbles. Head dropping back to the pillow with a light thud. Evgenia stares at her in amusement, that head jerking right back up a beat later, and with the minimal light streaming in through the blinds from the street, she’s met with wide eyes.

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“There’s the reaction I expected.”

 

“We’re going to the Olympics?”

 

Evgenia laughs now like it was ridiculous to think they wouldn’t be, even though she still couldn’t quite believe it was real either.

 

“We are,” she confirms. Grunting in surprise when Alina suddenly lunges forward with a squeal and arms tight around her neck and she doesn’t even complain. Whispers the same string of congratulations and thank you’s as Alina does.

 

And it felt right. Like she was supposed to be there with this person sharing this moment you may only get once in a lifetime. And it all starts to close in on her what that means. What it all means.

 

But she won’t notice. She won’t notice for a little while longer, at least.


	4. february, 2018.

_**~~~** _

 

__

She’s been in the figure skating spotlight for quite some time now, and has sat through several press conferences and had many cameras pointing at her. The Olympic stage however, is another beast entirely. She finds herself escaping backstage when they finish and exhaling heavily and praying she didn’t say anything out of line in her nerves and sometimes tired state.

 

Even in practice there wasn’t a complete escape from people watching, people with cameras. But she focused as much as she could, and it helped really, having an excuse to mess around a bit in between. She felt more playful than Alina seemed. Alina seemed entirely too focused and Evgenia was almost worried she wasn’t having any fun. Strange, coming from her. Alina always teased her that she took things too seriously.

 

Regardless, she finds herself skating around the girl with the slyest of grins at times. At one point she even takes Alina’s starting pose for her free and does the first few seconds of it. Alina looks at her like she’s nuts. Later, she’ll find herself skating up to Alina, weaving her way in front of her and smiling.

 

“Practice bows with me.”

 

There’s a smile of confusion and amusement on the younger girls face.

 

“What’s gotten into you?”

 

Evgenia shrugs, still smiling that warm, and what she hopes is enticing, smile. “Fun. Which is what I want to get into you.”

 

“That’s a terrible sounding sentence and you’re lucky you weren’t just trying to hit on someone using that.”

 

She gives a subtle eye roll in response to that, extending her hand as she’s about to turn and head for the center of the ice. Alina gives a passing glance, eventually taking her hand and stopping with her. Both girls bending forward in a bow, then raising their arms above their heads.

 

“Picture it now,” Evgenia says. “We rule the whole world.”

 

That pulls a laugh from Alina, finally. And it makes her laugh, too. And when they’re both called over to go over notes from this session Evgenia finds herself far more enthralled by something hanging off of Alina’s clothes than anything she’s being told. Poking at the girls stomach for a moment before pulling the offending loose string away. Alina looks down, then their eyes meet when they raise their gazes to each other. A few fleeting seconds, but Evgenia catches a blush she knows is not just from being on the ice. She chalks it up to embarrassment and that’s that.

 

The day of the team event is quite the spectacle. She’s already gone, put the team in a pretty good position and now she just gets to watch. And she gets to watch Alina. Yes, she’s seen her of course in practice but she’s never truly sat through an entire performance. Usually because they hadn’t been at all the same competitions and if they were they were always competing nearly back to back.

 

She watches the warmup with rapt attention, eyes narrowed and focused on every movement her teammate makes. Looking for signs of nerves or doubt or fear. She doesn’t really detect any of that, just a confidence Alina’s gained throughout this season. It’s rather impressive, really.

 

When she does see her skate, she gains a new appreciation for everything that Alina does. Clapping loudly and watching the look of surprise cross the girls face like she almost couldn’t believe she just did what she did. And when they move to the kiss and cry to await the scores, Evgenia calls her over with her arms spread. She hugs her tightly and Alina hugs her right back. Unable to bring herself to let go even when Alina isn’t paying attention, head turned and distracted by Daniil speaking to her. She can’t look away and she knows she has the stupidest grin on her face, hands still holding Alina’s until she absolutely has to let go. Even then, standing there waiting for the scores she keeps her eyes on Alina the whole time, save for glancing up to see if anything was up yet.

 

When it comes through it’s pretty massive and the team is in an even better position, but that isn’t really what she cares about right there in that moment. She looks back to her teammate and notices the lack of attention and encouragement and Evgenia finds herself reaching over quickly and grabbing hold of Alina’s shoulders. Giving her a playful shake, but no less proud. Hand coming to the top of her head in an affectionate gesture and she hears the smallest of giggles and that makes it worth it.

 

Later she finds herself in bed flipping through different social media feeds and she isn’t surprised to see so many articles and photos floating around already. She doesn’t pay any attention to anything being said, simply stares at the picture of her holding onto Alina’s hands and seeing that ridiculous smile on her face was quite different than just feeling it. She attempts to hide a ridiculous smile now, even though she’s alone. And decides to save the picture, thinks about sending it to Alina when the thought of her somehow actually summons her. Their recently agreed upon knock at the door coming and Evgenia jumps up to open it.

 

“I was just about to text you,” she says smoothly. Attempting to appear as if she hadn’t just nearly smacked her head into the wall to answer the door quickly. Watching the silent Zagitova not even notice as she trudges past her and falls face first into her bed.

 

“Don’t you have your own bed?” She asks. Reaching down and lightly smacking her friends calf to get her to move. It works somewhat.

 

“Yeah,” Alina sighs, slowly rolling over onto her back with her hands folded on her stomach. “But I can’t sleep. And apparently, neither can you. Where’s your roommate?”

 

Evgenia shrugs, moving into the now open spot next to Alina. “I have no idea.”

 

“Does she have a boyfriend you don’t know about that she’s meeting?”

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she had several.”

 

Alina laughs next to her, feeling the bed dip a bit as she fixes herself on her side with her head laying in her hand. “Do I detect jealously, Medvedeva?”

 

A puff of laughter leaves her almost immediately. “God, no. Even the idea of one is terrible.”

 

“That’s why I’m never going to have one,” Alina says. Rather seriously, and she thinks it’s quite the dedication to a joke.

 

“You say that now. But one day a boy is going to sweep you off your feet.”

 

“If he tries, I’ll dropkick him.”

 

Evgenia turns her head away from her phone to look at the girl, who’s face reads about as serious as her tone and suddenly that’s of extreme interest to her. Setting her phone aside and moving to mirror Alina’s position.

 

“You really don’t want a boyfriend?”

 

Alina shrugs. “Why would I? What good are they for?”

 

“I guess for like, all those couple things. Hugging, kissing… what happens after kissing.”

 

“Eloquently put,” Alina snort laughs. Earning a light shove of Evgenia’s knee into hers.

 

“Hush.”

 

“But, I mean, I get all those things from my friends.”

 

“You kiss and… do what comes after kissing with your friends?!” She asks in mock horror. This time she gets the shove.

 

“Shut up. I just mean it’s not all that different when we hug. That feels just as nice.”

 

She’s quiet for a moment, thinking about that. And rather take it for what it is, she decides to continue along the lines of playful banter and sharing.

 

“You can’t spend the rest of your life hugging me, though. You’ll find someone else.”

 

“Who says I can’t?” Alina asks, as serious as she had sounded when she seemed to put a nail in the boyfriend coffin before it ever happens. “Besides, nobody hugs like you.”

 

“That’s true,” she hums. Voice trailing off as they find themselves silently looking at each other instead. And maybe, just maybe, she actually could see herself never dating. Never marrying and doing all that stuff she thinks she’s supposed to do. If it meant she got to be here.

 

But she doesn’t say that, not in words at least. Evgenia flops back over onto her back and picks up her phone with one hand, laying her free arm open as invitation.

 

“Come here. We’re going to find something easy to watch that you can hopefully fall asleep to.”

 

Alina takes the invite without question, sliding over and into Evgenia’s side with her head resting on her shoulder. An hour or so passes just like that, watching nonsense until she hears Alina’s breathing even out and knows she’s asleep. Taking the opportunity to watch something else. And it’s peaceful like that until the door opens and in walks her roommate who’s about to speak, probably loudly, and Evgenia drops the phone to raise a finger to her lips to hush her.

 

A set of eyes finally taking in the one girl fast asleep on the other, and there’s a brief pause in time where she thinks for some reason she got caught do something she shouldn’t.

 

Instead the older girl tells her she’ll come back in the morning and ducks out pretty quickly. Closing the door a little too loudly and Evgenia winces a bit, feels Alina stir next to her and dips her head to whisper a light ‘shh’ in her ear. Leaving the faintest of kisses in her hair. It’s the most at peace she thinks they’ll ever be for the remainder of their time here.

 

And she’s right. It’s all chaos from that point on. Some sort of chasm opens up the night of the free skate. Inside of her, all around her. Both, perhaps. And she doesn’t know if she’s drowning or if she’s floating.

 

All she knows is she can’t quite look at her team, save for Alina. Alina who just won the Olympics and has no one at her side. Pride, disappointment, that chasm carving through her, whichever it is or all is, she wipes her tears and shoves it all down, and all but runs to her. It’s almost cliche, really. Like she were in a movie. Alina turns around exactly how she thinks one would turn around to welcome someone they loved. She thinks this is how someone who loved another would go to them. And with her face buried in Alina’s neck and Alina holding her so tightly and holding her head the way that she’s grown used to, Evgenia knows. She knows Alina loves her and she’ll never have the heart to ask, but she knows Alina would have sacrificed it all for her to be happy. She whispers ‘no tears, no tears,” and Evgenia can’t do anything but turn her head and kiss her cheek so tenderly, and is kissed so tenderly in return she might collapse in a pool of her emotions right there.

 

She finds Alina’s eyes when they start to separate. Barely. They share a look, and only smile at each other. Their lips are moving, words passing between them that will never leave that space. And they don’t leave each other’s. Alina holds her hand quite a lot in the time it takes to do interviews and such after it’s all said and done. She slings her arm around her during one and while she gives her room to answer a question, she finds herself openly gazing at the girl and she won’t think about how she did so with an unexplainable, voiceless longing. She won’t think about it because she has no idea what it is. Not yet, anyway.

 

She gets an idea though, on the flight home. When the whole experience is truly behind them both and Alina is miserable and feverish and Evgenia stays by her side the entire flight. Filming one funny video together of her ripping the scarf off her coat to reveal the hidden flag beneath it. But that’s it, that’s all that happens. They don’t even get to talk and all Evgenia wants to do is talk to her. Instead she does her best to make sure Alina is comfortable and takes some medicine and sleeps as much as she can. Not caring at all that she might get sick when she holds Alina’s hand, or lays her head on her shoulder to offer her warmth and safety.

 

She thinks about how that’s the most love she’s ever experienced in her life save for her mother. Every little thing she did for Alina throughout this Olympic experience, and every little thing Alina did for her. In a spotlight where people wanted to see the opposite, undoubtedly.

 

She thinks it might be worth never having everything she wants if she could have this instead. But that chasm is eating away at her, and she won’t realize it takes her away from this, from Alina, from something she’s starting to realize she wants. She won’t realize until she has no choice but to take a leap.


	5. march, 2018.

_**~~~** _

__

Evgenia is at home, forced there by forces beyond her control. Doctors telling her she needed more time and that injury postponing a return to the world championships. She stays at home and spends so much time trying to fill this void she can’t escape from. She does everything imaginable; from learning how to cook more. Reorganizing her room several times only to get annoyed and put it all back where it had been. She spends a lot of time in the park, out in nature and hoping fresh air will help. Hoping that playing with Jerry will help. She even makes appearances on talk shows and such, some sort of connection to skating and professionalism. Nothing helps.

 

One night, she finds herself in the middle of a rather shameful downward spiral, looking at different university programs for a career she could do after skating. Ending that with disgust at herself and slamming the laptop shut.

 

She won’t open it again for a few days. Not until she overhears talk about _what had happened_ and it feels a little weird not knowing things right away. It’s the first time she realizes she hasn’t seen or heard from the team, and more specifically Alina, since a joint press conference after returning home. Sudden panic setting in that she was the worst friend imaginable, and that guilt feels worse when she sees it. An image of Alina crying is the first thing she sees. She’s seen her get upset, she’s seen her tear up, but she’s never seen her full on cry. Not like that, and especially not with the world watching her. Neither of them cried like that, and they’ve now both done it within a month of each other, on some of the biggest stages imaginable.

 

Forgetting everything such as time difference and her own self loathing of late, she reaches for her phone and opens their texts. No, that felt too impersonal. So she calls instead. And all she gets is her voicemail. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. And so she hangups up almost in shame. Squeezing her eyes shut and telling herself to not be such a coward and calls again. This time she speaks when the voicemail comes up again.

 

“Alina, it’s me. I know you must be busy, or just…” she trails off, bringing her other hand to the bridge of her nose and pinching as she breathes slowly. “I know I haven’t been there for you, but I am. Please call me. I promise I’m here.”

 

She doesn’t get a call back. She doesn’t hear back from Alina for almost a week. Not until they’re both expected in Japan for a run of shows there. And she doesn’t realize how much she’s missed her until she sees her at some cafe near the airport after they arrive. Alina finally texting her to meet her there so they could catch up. She missed her, but she had no right to complain. Not after she all but abandoned her, and not after what she went through. She imagined she needed time, much like she’s needed as well.

 

They’re both sitting with large coffees between them and a stretched out silence before it’s Alina who seems to get the courage to speak first.

 

“I should have called you back that night I got your call,” she murmurs.

 

Evgenia is quick to shake her head, hand reaching across the table to cover Alina’s without realizing right away that that had been her first instinct.

 

“Don’t,” she says softly. “Don’t apologize to me. I should’ve been a better friend and had been there to begin with.”

 

Alina has a shine to her eyes that look like it could be new tears. Fighting it off though as she visibly and audibly swallows hard. “I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what happened. I still don’t. And frankly, I don’t think I ever want to think about or talk about it again.”

 

Evgenia assumes it’s because she’s had enough time to herself to work through the most of it, and there’s a fleeting feeling of sadness passing through her because she missed this. She missed an opportunity to be there, and Alina didn’t need her now. Even now, looking at her, she looks more grown up than she should. Like she’s been through too much and seen more than a fifteen year old girl should. And she’s just… fine. She’ll move on, or she has already. And Evgenia missed it. She missed Alina growing up. Without her.

 

They don’t talk about worlds. They talk about the shopping Alina did and the gala instead and how Alina maybe became friends with Nathan Chen while she was there and there’s a weird pang of… something in her chest at that. She doesn’t show it there, but at night alone in her hotel room she’s reminded again how much she’s somehow missed in the state she’s been. That, and the fact that, if she was being honest with herself, she felt jealous. And that was stupid. Alina having friends was good, she deserved it. But she’s suddenly all too aware of all that she missed and thinks about how slowly but surely, she won’t have Alina following her around like a little puppy anymore. She’ll have new friends and she’ll be able to stand up on her own two feet and perhaps, she’s already there.

 

Or perhaps, this was all in her head. In her still unshakable state of melancholy and searching and longing. Maybe she was just desperate for something to feel normal and like what she knows.

 

Being allowed to skate in this show, that helps. It’s a little slice of normal. Putting on skates and being on ice. Working on choreography and being free to enjoy herself without the attachment of coach and competing. Alina is the only connection to all of that she cares to be around. And while the girl had looked stoic and far away and so much older in that cafe, she looks more at ease. More carefree in these practices and she has that childlike glow back to her. It makes her forget for a moment all the things she was desperate to forget and just smile with her.

 

At least until she starts thinking about the whole missing out on more, and potentially losing more. The group of them all having just finished their bows after their first performance in Japan. Turning in time to see Alina off in the corner with Nathan. The boy with his hands held out and playfully grinning and asking for a low five, that Alina finally notices and gives with a broad smile. Nathan giving a silent ‘oh yeah!’ after that has Alina laughing. Turning just as Evgenia had found herself leaning around people to see that interaction. Their eyes meeting and while Alina’s smiling, her brows furrow like she’s silently asking what the hell she was doing and Evgenia jerks back. Takes a deep breath and leaves about as quickly as she can. Skipping the planned dinner and opting to retreat back to her hotel room. Completely, and utterly aware of her own ridiculousness.

 

She spends the entire shower she takes wondering _why, why, why_. Why did she care. She never used to care. She’s also never seen anyone actually give Alina that much attention before other than herself. But it still didn’t make sense. She keeps thinking, and thinking and she’s sitting in her bed long after she’s dressed and her hair has dried looking through her phone and looking at pictures of her and Alina. At the Olympics. At Europeans. At the ballet back in December. And it’s the one picture from one off day they spent in the park right before leaving for pre-Olympic training. Feeding ducks and chasing Jerry around and buying sweets they regretted later. Evgenia had the front camera facing them and Alina’s looking right at the camera with her arm around Evgenia’s shoulders, smiling so brightly. But her eyes are on herself, staring at herself staring at Alina with that same smile she remembers having at the Olympics. After Alina’s team event skate when she couldn’t bring herself to let go of her.

 

And she finds herself bursting into tears. Phone falling to the left of her as she stares up at the ceiling until she can’t see a thing. Hands covering her face as she shakes and sobs. She thought the first time she fell in love it would feel great, that she would feel extreme happiness. But that had been before she realized she was in love with the last person on earth she ever imagined she would be in love with. Not that Alina was a bad option, she was perfect. It made a weird amount of sense when it finally made sense. But there was a shot in hell’s chance of this ever ending well for her. She was supposed to fall in love with a boy and get married and have little babies that she could maybe one day teach how to skate.

 

She fell in love with a girl instead, and none of that was possible. And she felt like she was suffocating. Realizing now she had missed all the obvious signs and maybe she could have stopped it if she had noticed sooner. It had been pushing down on her and she hadn’t noticed until finally it gave, and if she thought the other chasm working her into a pathetic state was bad, this only made it worse.

 

She thinks about herself one month ago and the conversation they had about boyfriends and never wanting one and how Evgenia and Alina would have been enough for them both, and how she had started to realize then that she wanted something. She wanted that. She hadn’t expected it to be like this, though. Like it was Alina she wanted to do those couple things with. But she couldn’t go back, she didn’t have the gift of obliviousness she had then. The gift of not knowing what she knows now.

 

There’s a certain kind of relief in knowing. There’s also a certain kind of grief in knowing. And she felt too much of everything to really know if that was good.

 

Eventually she comes to grips with herself, with it all. And repeatedly tells herself there’s nothing she can do about it so she might as well not dwell on it. Maybe it would go away if she pretended it didn’t exist at all. She was good at pretending, it was kind of part of her everyday life as a performer.

 

When she wakes up tomorrow, she won’t be in love with Alina. This outburst will have never happened and everything will be fine. Everything will be normal.

 

It kind of works. Until the other chasm finally caves in around her.


	6. april, 2018.

_**~~~** _

 

__When Evgenia wakes up on April 1st, she attempts to convince herself that everything that happened the previous night had been nothing more than an early April Fool’s joke. Mission You’re Not In Love With Your Training Mate underway from the moment she steps out of her room and heads for the arena, opting to join everyone else in the dining and break hall for breakfast. Attempting to brush off the fact that she had bailed on the dinner the night before.

 

She should have known it wouldn’t go unnoticed. Wakaba approaching the table she had deposited herself at, semi in the corner away from everyone.

 

“So. You’re alive.” She says it easily. Evgenia looking up from her food and phone. Plastering what she hopes is a believably apologetic smile.

 

“I’m alive. I’m sorry I didn’t go, I had a massive headache and didn’t want to be a downer or anything.”

 

She watches her friends eyes narrow slightly, appearing to not be entirely convinced by that little spiel. Pulling one of the chairs out next to her and facing her with a serious look.

 

“You know you can talk to me, Zhenya,” she says softly. Sincerely.

 

And she did know that. But she didn’t think she could talk about it. Maybe not now, maybe not ever. She’s staring at the half eaten plate of food in front of her and smiles a somewhat sad smile, brushing it off with a shrug of her shoulders.

 

“I promise I’m fine. Just needed a goodnights sleep is all.”

 

Wakaba looks ready to say something else when her attention is pulled elsewhere, in the direction of the entryway. Alina stepping through and heading straight for the food bar. Evgenia kind of hates that she knows exactly what Alina is getting first; coffee and a bowl of fruit. Usually with sugar sprinkled on top. To stave off the morning grumpiness she’s prone to by combating it with caffeine and sugar.

 

Her eyes linger too long, because when she finally turns back to Wakaba, Wakaba is just turning her attention away from where Evgenia’s gaze had gone. The two friends exchanging a look, one that screams please don’t figure out from one and I think I understand from the other. Evgenia finally swallows roughly and pushes her chair back, standing abruptly.

 

“I’m going to go start warming up. I’ll see you out there.”

 

She doesn’t look back, she doesn’t look in Alina’s direction either. Throwing her plate and cup away and practically speed walking to the locker room to get her things in order.

 

She thinks she’ll be fine when she’s out there on the ice, and it does kind of help. It reminds her that this was a safe place and she could be anything and anyone out there. She keeps her headphones on and volume high as she does laps around the ice, works through her usual warmup and when others start to filter in she puts the mask on. Music always helped her focus, and put her in a far better mood and headspace. The little encounter with Wakaba barely an hour ago feeling like a distant thing of the past. The Thing she was refusing to acknowledge feeling like nothing more than that as well, and when she sees Alina, there’s a new and weird little flutter in her chest that she never noticed before. Quietly watching her lace up her skates by herself. Watching her start to loosen up by herself. Eyes occasionally flicking across the room, and Evgenia feels a bit of a sinking feeling. Remembering how often Alina was actually alone at things like this. And she couldn’t sit there and allow it, just to avoid her own thoughts and feelings and the girl herself.

 

She puts it all aside and moves over to where Alina’s standing, offering her a smile.

 

“Hey.”

 

Alina looks over, still a slightly far off look in her eyes but slowly a smile curves upwards. “Hey yourself. Want to go over things with me?”

 

Evgenia nods quickly, and it’s surprisingly easy after that. Because Alina was her friend and Alina mattered too much for her to be consumed by her newly discovered feelings. And even though it was hard to stand there in rehearsals with her, working on a joint program together. Sitting next to her during press and pretending like she didn’t know now how she feels, she thinks it would be harder to not have Alina at all.

 

But it isn’t easy when Japan is behind them. Everything becomes a whole new world of struggle when they return home to Russia and they get back to their lives. But Evgenia doesn’t go back. Because the Evgenia that returns isn’t the same. Nothing is the same. For all her struggle since that final night at the Olympics to find herself again, it took until now to realize she was never going to find that version of herself again. And the more she thought about it, she didn’t want her back. She finally understood one half of this new, unlocked version of herself and it was long overdue for her to acknowledge what else had changed and was different about herself and her life.

 

She couldn’t go back to the team that she all but grew up with. She couldn’t go back there. She couldn’t go back to _her_. And so she doesn’t. And the only thing that makes that difficult is the other thing New Evgenia knows. Was anything ever going to be easy?

 

_Moving on_. When she thinks about that, it became so many different things for her she didn’t know where to start. But she makes the first strides one night. Fingers hovering over the call button for the new number she had gotten. Taking a deep breath and stabbing at the screen on the exhale. Bringing the phone to her ear and waiting a few rings before it clicks through.

 

“Hello?” The voice says, naturally questionable answering a call that was clearly foreign.

 

“Hello, Mr Orser. This is Evgenia Medvedeva.”

 

“Evgenia? How nice to hear from you. Is there something I can do for you?”

 

“As I’m sure you know I’ll be participating in the show you’re directing in Korea later this month, and during this trip I would like to visit with you to discuss the possibility of joining your team.”

 

There’s a long, significant pause on the other end of the call. She’s almost tempted to pull the phone away and see if it was even still connected when Brian speaks again.

 

“Are you sure about this, Evgenia?” He asks.

 

She’s suddenly never been more sure of anything in her life.

 

“I am.”

 

“Well,” he starts. “We’ll arrange something. Please don’t hesitate to text or call at anytime if you have any questions leading up to your trip there.”

 

“I will. Thank you, Mr. Orser.”

 

“Of course. Wishing you the best, Evgenia.”

 

And when the call ends, she exhales and feels a weight in her chest start to dissipate. Looking up to see her mother hovering by the doorway to the kitchen.

 

“How did it go?”

 

“We’re going to meet.”

 

The reality of that settles in a bit more when she adds Brian’s contact to her phone officially. Sending and receiving a few texts a week, leading all the way up until the night before she has to get on a plane to Korea. Choosing to pretend another set of texts requesting to know where she was, wasn’t a thing. And for the weight that’s starting to lift, there’s the lingering feeling of dread whenever she opens another thread.

 

_Can’t wait to see you. <3_

 

Evgenia stares at her phone, and she feels the most painful knot in her throat and in her stomach and she’s starting to think she’s some sort of masochist because she can’t resist answering, but she also can’t bring herself to tell Alina what’s going on. She thinks it might be kinder, but Evgenia was terrified of the outcome. Would Alina hate her? Would she feel betrayed? Would she never speak to her again? Would she lose her entirely. Emotionally, not just physically?

 

So she doesn’t do it. Evgenia pretends. She’s gotten dangerously good at that in this regard to her life and what she was going through.

 

And even though she feels herself crying, she still replies.

 

**Your face is all I want to see.**

 

It was the truth, but she also knew she was living a bit of a lie and keeping secrets. All kinds of secrets. And it hurts. Everything was looking up, things were getting hopeful again for her. But she still cries herself to sleep because she knew _this_ was all wrong, but she just couldn’t stop. And it was bound to get messy.

 

Not messy in the worst of ways, not right away at least. She enjoys her time on the ice in rehearsals, she laughs and jokes around with everyone. But there’s a whole new chasm opening up, and she knew she only had herself to blame. But it becomes too painfully real when she finds herself standing in a group and all she winds up seeing is Alina, only a few feet away from her, but feeling like a million miles away. Alina appearing outwardly searching as their gazes meet. And when it does, Alina’s features shift into a somewhat darker stupor. Like maybe she saw right through her somehow and finally understood. Her chin tilts upwards, eyes narrowing slightly in a way that could be read as that, staring long and hard for a breath or two. And then she skates away.

 

And Evgenia crumbles. Inwardly, of course. Outwardly she puts on the best front and the bravest face and she goes to the meeting with Brian later that day. He lays it all out for her. What to expect, what was expected of her. Logistics of getting her federation to agree to the terms. Brian hearing her out about what she wanted and needed. How she wanted to handle this as respectively as possible, that she didn’t want to talk ill of anyone and when the business side of it is all gone through Brian sits back with a smile on his face.

 

“With all of that being said, it would be an incredible honor to take you on as a student.”

 

Evgenia looks up, looks next to her at her mother and then over to Brian. The softest, slightly disbelieving smile appearing on her face.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Of course. I’ve already spoken to my students, and everyone is open to it. Granted, other parties involved will be as well.”

 

She breathes out a breathy laugh of relief at his words, and her mother places a loving and supportive hand against her back and for the first time in months she finally feels like she can see past the dark stormy clouds hovering in her mind and in her heart.

 

At least for the most part. Back in her hotel room, laying in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Thinking and thinking. Her mother on the other end of the split room already long ago having fallen asleep. She thinks about Brian and she thinks about the handshake and the hug and the future that was suddenly brighter and right there, nearly hers. She closes her eyes and all she can see is that look instead. Alina’s eyes piercing through her and her own burst open again. Chest rising and falling in a sudden and shaky breath. Then there’s a knock at her door. Not the one connecting her room to the other end, but the other one. That familiar, agreed upon knock. Her brain screams at her to remain where she is, that it would only get worse if she answered the door.

 

Her heart is louder, though. Her stupid little heart leads her to the door. Her stupid little heart jumps and beats harder when she opens it and sees Alina on the other side. Her stupid little heart betrays her when Alina doesn’t utter a word and simply steps inside, taking Evgenia’s hand and leading her back to the bed. Both girls settling under the sheets and absolutely nothing other than Alina falling asleep with her head on her chest happens. A neediness about it all that she could relate to. The quiet longing to be close because they felt too far away all of a sudden. And while Alina sleeps, Evgenia stays up longer, willing the tears away and knowing that this part of moving on, was never going to be possible. No matter what changed and where she went.

 

She wants to wake her up and tell her everything. But Evgenia never does. They both go back home, only for Evgenia to disappear on some trip and Alina remaining put. A reminder of what was to come. A confirmation of what she knew that final night in Korea with Alina in her arms and her in Alina’s arms.

 

She could get away from everything else, but she could never escape this. She didn’t even know if she wanted to, which only made it worse.

 

She kept her secrets and she kept pretending and when it finally reaches it’s boiling point, it gets to that messy part that was inevitable. Rays of light and hope and a future, with everything else crumbling around her and all she could think about was how she let it happen this time. She let this part cave in on her. All because of her stupid little heart.


	7. may, 2018.

_**~~~** _

 

__She was tired of reporters and she was tired of answering questions she thought she had addressed well enough in her official statement. She didn’t want to hear about what Eteri had done on the news, she didn’t want to be asked about the things she supposedly said. Every time those things came up it felt like a dagger twisting deeper. And every time she those things came up she was reminded that Alina wasn’t answering her texts and she wasn’t answering her calls.

 

Evgenia bouncing a knee rapidly and feeling like she might actually be sick. She’s just returning home from signing all the paperwork she needed to sign, her future firmly in place, and all she can think about is how wrong everything else was. Her mother reaching over and gently placing her hand on top of her knee to stop the movement, thumb rubbing soothing circles into her muscle and she exhales a bit. But the pressure in her chest doesn’t subside entirely.

 

So Evgenia retreats. And it stays like that for a little over a week. She locks herself in her room most days. Sometimes doing research on Toronto and looking at places for her and her mother to live. Sometimes she didn’t do anything at all other than sleep, watch whichever anime she was in the mood for, and stare at her phone. Getting many different messages from many people. Most of it not good, a lot was positive. But nothing was ever what she wanted to see. Instead she has to rely on instagram and VK updates. Telling her that Alina was on vacation with her family. She looked happy, she looked relaxed and tanned and beautiful and—

 

She brings a hand to her face and closes her eyes with a quiet groan. The sound somewhere close to pain and frustration before she drags her palm down her face and stares up at the ceiling. Wondering not for the first time how many times she found herself here, staring and thinking. Only ever about her.

 

When Alina’s birthday rolls around, she sends her a message. Refusing to send another apology and a plea to talk to her, instead a simple happy birthday and an I miss you that she regrets afterwards. Staring at the little indicator that it had been read. She figures it’s a time difference thing. But days pass, and nothing happens.

 

Things continue to change, and nothing changes at all. That becomes her routine for what becomes the official remainder of her time in Russia. Broken up by a trip to various places in Japan for a couple of ice shows. It felt good being around so many familiar faces and finally being able to get back on the ice at a full capacity. A funny flutter in her stomach when she realizes she can finally jump again, that she didn’t have to be afraid. She finds herself spending a great deal of her time with Johnny Weir during the first show, someone she’s grown used to and relied on. An older, more experienced voice to hopefully guide her.

 

“How have you been feeling?” He asks her one day after rehearsals, a cup of tea each between them as they settle into a cozy cafe.

 

“I’ve been alright. The foot feels better than ever, minus a few aches I of course expected after so long.”

 

“And… everything with the move and such?”

 

She had a feeling it would come up, almost everyone wanted to ask her about it whether they knew her or not. Evgenia smiles a bit hesitantly, stirring milk into her tea.

 

“I’m sure you’ve seen many reports and articles about all that,” she says.

 

Johnny simply hums. “Yes, of course, but I would much rather hear things from you. News outlets tell the story the way they want to tell it. With some truth, and then their spin. It’s almost never how it actually happened.”

 

He was right. And she’s done enough complaining; to her mother, to anyone who would listen about how frustrating it’s been that her voice was either not being heard or wasn’t enough.

 

“It’s been hard,” she finally admits. “You have to understand no matter what anyone has said, or what has come out of that place, it’s all I knew. It was what I grew up with. All of those people, they were more family than my actual blood relatives. It’s hard to move on from that without feeling any sadness, even though I know there are better things waiting for me.”

 

“You don’t have to explain that to me,” he says kindly. “You can be sad about leaving, while also acknowledging that you needed something more. Something good for you.”

 

Evgenia stares down into her cup, a far away look to her eyes. “I should hate her for what she did. What she said about me. Who she used to make me look like the bad guy. But I don’t have the energy.”

 

“Consider that a good thing, it makes you the bigger person,” he says with a small chuckle. “I have to ask, though. You and Zagitova, was it ever that hostile?”

 

Usually the mention of Alina these days sent her somewhere close to a spiral the would end in some sort of tearful breakdown. Thinking about her and how wrong the entire world was about their relationship, has her smiling though. One that doesn’t quite reach her face, but a smile nonetheless. Shaking her head gently.

 

“No. Yes, there was a competitive rivalry. But we have—“ she pauses, brows scrunching together and swallowing past the sudden lump in her throat. “We had a very loving dynamic.”

 

“You used the past tense,” he points out, a careful question in his voice. Evgenia sighs.

 

“I haven’t heard from her since it all came out. I don’t imagine I will.”

 

He’s quiet now, and for long enough that Evgenia looks up to make sure that he’s even still there. He is, looking at her thoughtfully before he sits up a bit and leans a bit over the table, lowering his voice.

 

“Zhenya, I’m sure she knows you didn’t mean any harm. With some time, things will get better.”

 

She wants to believe him, but she also knows she hasn’t told the whole truth. She hasn’t told the whole truth to anyone other than various ceilings and empty rooms she’s found herself in late at night. And before she can even stop herself, perhaps she wouldn’t have been able to anyway with how long she’s been keeping this buried, she puts a real voice to those buried fears, and those buried feelings.

 

“I never even told her what was happening. I had so many chances. I knew for nearly a month, and I never told her.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Her fingers tighten around the cup in her hand, eyes squeezing shut before fluttering open again. Fragile and vulnerable as she looks up again at her friend.

 

“Because I knew if I did, I wouldn’t be able to hide anymore. Hide why I didn’t tell her. Telling her would mean I would have to admit to why everything hurt so much when I should be happy. Not telling her meant I wouldn’t have to let myself get hurt admitting that I have feelings for her. That I love her.”

 

It was out there. That truth about herself she was bound determined to keep a secret until her last breath. The truth that she didn’t think anyone would ever understand or accept. Except perhaps for the person sitting across from her.

 

“Oh, Evgenia…” he utters softly. Quickly getting up from his chair across from her and joining her in the booth she’s seated in. An arm winding around her shoulders. They’re both silent, Evgenia simply allowing herself to be held and comforted as she wracks her brain for any words left. Settling on the only remaining thing left to voice.

 

“I think I screwed up,” she whispers. “I was so worried about getting hurt if I said anything, but I found a way to hurt the both of us regardless. She probably hates me now, and I know I can only blame myself.”

 

“Shh,” he whispers back to her. Pressing a kiss to her temple and giving her shoulders a gentle, reassuring shake. “You just need time. Both of you. These wounds will heal.”

 

Evgenia lifts and turns her head to look at him, the vulnerability still settled in her eyes. “Did it hurt, the first time you fell in love?”

 

Johnny smiles a bit. “Like a bitch. It feels so much worse when you’re young, but I promise you it gets better. And you’ll be safe. Whether you choose to live this truth about yourself openly or not. You can always find a way to be okay.”

 

His voice is a little raw, and she knows he’s speaking from a place of anguished experience. It was what she had been looking for, and while she didn’t feel patricianly okay right now. At least it was something to hold onto.

 

“On a lighter note,” he adds eventually. Giving her a toothy grin. “We can share our thoughts on gay fashion and our tastes in women and men without being judged.”

 

Evgenia chokes out a laugh, gently shoving him in the shoulder before they both return back to their tea. Conversation certainly lighter from that point on.

 

And while it had been terrifying in those few seconds before and after sharing what she did, Evgenia feels a little bit more at peace with herself. She didn’t think it was all magically going to be better afterwards, perhaps far from it. At least she could think about her feelings and start to feel less like she was wrong for it, and like it was one of the most normal things about herself.

 

She wonders though if she’ll ever get over _those_ feelings. For her. Will it always be Alina, or will she perhaps down the road meet a young woman and spend the rest of her life with her. Maybe even meet several different women and fall in love many times. She didn’t know. What she did know was, regardless, Alina would always be there. Part of her. That old cliche that you never forget your first.

 

She starts taking some advice Johnny had given her, in finding ways to fully embrace this part of yourself. For yourself. She reads a few articles about discovering sexuality here and there during her down time between rehearsals and shows. She rewatches a few episodes of Yuri On Ice traveling from one venue to the next, and she reminds herself how normal it felt to back a gay couple the moment she saw them. How normal it felt for her sixteen year old self to want what they had, without ever really having a guy in those fantasies and daydreams.

 

She looks at different blogs that feature simple loving dialogue about girlfriends talking about their girlfriends. Pictures of happy couples and such.

 

She’s lying in bed and thinking about what her own pictures might look like. Breakfast in bed with another set of legs tangled in her own. Maybe the girl smells of clean sheets and the fading perfume she wore the night before.

 

Evgenia’s phone buzzes next to her, picking it up and reading the little notification bubble on her screen. An instagram story update from Alina. She unlocks her phone and opens it with a bit of a quicker heartbeat than she had before, and what she ends up seeing is the first picture of Alina and her brand new puppy. The girls face is so bright as she receives kisses from the bundle of fluff in her arms, eyes so genuinely filled with unconditional love. The caption in the corner reading ‘love’, first in English and then in Russian.

 

That girl she was imagining lying in her bed becomes her, a fluffy dog and Alina complaining of morning breath as Evgenia tries to kiss her. Shoving coffee in her direction instead. The puppy fighting for their attention.

 

And she knows after all, it most likely never will be anyone else.


	8. june, 2018.

_**~~~** _

 

__By the time June rolls around, a bit of the noise she’s been dealing with since her news broke fades into the background. It’s helped staying in contact with her mother, and her mother eventually joining her for a new line of shows. She also stays in touch with Johnny nearly everyday, even after their shared show ends and she moves onto another.

 

Everything’s pretty calm for the most part, but because of course complete peace was too much to ask for, other things come up. Like when all the footage from the last show comes out, everyone getting to see the new program she had worked on. Specifically for the show, and because she needed something to distract herself and something to give her an emotional outlet.

 

Everyone seems to take their own spin on it, and no one even comes close. Everyone appearing to be in agreement that this ‘experience’ skate was about her career, about her sports experiences and perhaps everything that ended up happening and leading to the move. Evgenia finds herself scoffing as she reads through things. Of course she couldn’t expect anyone to know what she was thinking or feeling or what her intent was behind the program, but it’s irritating nonetheless that this was still the only topic of discussion.

 

So she takes to Twitter to clear it up and in hindsight, it kind of made it worse for herself.

 

First she makes sure she clears up any idea that the program was about her sporting experiences. And not leaving any room for questions on that, she adds that the whole thing was a romantic image. She hadn’t really thought that anyone would blow up about that. She gets one too many things about how it was probably some boy, how it was definitely about Yuzuru because he had, what, been in the same vicinity? Her attitude quickly goes from neutral to defensive and after one too many tweets, she finally forces herself to log out.

 

In her tirade, she had completely forgotten the actual reason the program even happened. Why it was what it was. It’s purpose being about as close as she thought she could ever come to admitting what she had admitted to Johnny. Apparently, no one was clever enough to even question why she had a black feather. What she was writing in the air.

 

The same pleas and I’m sorry’s she sent over text for weeks. To a former black swan. The incredible and not so incredible irony being another swan entirely gets it.

 

“You had your first gay fit on the internet,” Johnny says teasingly into the phone.

 

Evgenia pinches the bridge of her nose. “I don’t think anyone is going to get it. I wanted to do this, but also now I’m thinking it was probably stupid. She may never even see it.”

 

“Was that the intention?” He asks.

 

“No.” A lie. “Well, maybe. I don’t know. I needed to get it out somehow without ever actually having to say anything about it.”

 

“And yet, you whined about it all over twitter. Being a big dumb gay already. I have to say I’m proud.”

 

She lets out a sigh, that winds up being a short laugh. The thing about it is, she winds up doing more stupid little things like that. She isn’t even sure where it all came from. She had been fine, but lately getting Alina’s attention somehow was driving her crazier than before. Only thinking about how dumb it all was _after_ she does the things she does.

 

She’s sitting off in the corner during one rehearsal, headphones firmly on her head as she listened to anything other than everyone else’s program music as they went through various run throughs. She had a while before her turn and she needed to kill time somehow. She tried to pretend like she was doing it so she could find the right fit for her new music for the season, but in reality she was consumed in song lyrics and thinking about, well. The usual.

 

One song in particular standing out. Going back and forth between a certain someone’s words and the words being sung in her ears.

 

_Have you reached out to Medvedeva?_

_No._

 

_Won’t you call out my name?_

_Girl, just call out my name and I’ll be on my way_

_I’ll be on my—_

 

She bangs her back lightly into the wall she’s leaning on. Looking down at her phone and taking a screenshot. Her mind made up pretty quickly on what was about to happen. Opening instagram and updating her story with it. Most likely no one else will get that, either.

 

Later, when she’s back on the ice it’s enough of a distraction from her wandering and agonizing thoughts, but again, it doesn’t last. Standing near Nathan, Alex and Maia enough that she can overhear their conversation.

 

It’s Alex she hears first. “So you’re doing another show in Japan next month? I’m jealous, I wish we had the time.”

 

“Yeah,” Nathan says with a small laugh. “It’s gonna be pretty legit, the cast is insane. Boyang’s going. Shoma’s going, Mirai and Mariah. Alina’s going, too.”

 

Evgenia’s ears perk up a bit at that name. Subtly turning her head in the trio’s direction.

 

“That’ll be a lot fun. Don’t forget us for your new cast,” Maia teases him.

 

“I don’t know,” Nathan elongates in a playfully dramatic tone. “Alina and I already agreed we would tear it up. She’s bringing her dog, so she automatically wins coolest pal.”

 

Both Maia and Alex move in on the boy in a playful attack, all three laughing. And Evgenia finally looks away. So. Alina and Nathan were friends after all. Thinking back to that moment when she saw them. And the breakdown and self realization that followed.

 

Evgenia’s never been jealous in her life. She never complained when someone had cooler toys than her as a child. She never cared when other girls around her had boyfriends and never shut up about how great it was. She was mostly always annoyed by it. She was never jealous when Alina had won gold and she didn’t. She didn’t do jealously.

 

Except in this case, she very well might. Every time she saw him on his phone and laughing she wondered if it was her. And she spends the remainder of that show acting like Nathan had some sort of target on his back and she was the firing squad. Another thing on the growing list of stupid behavior she won’t think about right away.

 

Returning home to Russia kind of helps her forget the thoughts and feelings there. But those are replaced with the thoughts and feelings she left behind. And the ever impending date of her departure.

 

She had been hopeful that maybe after some time and things settled a bit she would end up hearing from Alina, and maybe they could talk. Maybe they could spend some time together before she had to leave. But that never ends up happening. When she returns Alina’s already gone, off in Novogorsk and preparing for the new season. It felt so strange to know exactly what that was like, what she might be doing during the day seeing as she spent summer after summer there, and several with Alina. And now it was strange to not actually know at all.

 

She does have some things here and there to do that wind up being good distractions. The Nike event a week before she leaves kind of what she needed. Hanging out with people she didn’t see often, or in this case, just met.

 

Kristian becomes a funny little chapter in her life. Someone she spoke to everyday, nearly all day. Someone she got along well with, that she enjoyed and he seemed to enjoy her as well. Of course, everyone’s take on that ends up being that they MUST be dating. At the very least, like each other. Evgenia often wondered if she would ever escape this fascination with her romantic life. And she has to add another guy to a list of Never Going To Happen. And the sub list of Me and These Guys Are Never Going To Happen, See Sublist 2.0. Sublist 2.0, The Reason Me and These Guys Are Never Going To Happen, reading very short with; Because Of Her.

 

Of course, he didn’t know that. And during her second to last night there he winds up telling her he was interested in her and wondered if they could still get closer even after she leaves.

 

Evgenia had panicked, laughing a bit too loudly and dropping the ice cream she had been eating as they walked. He looked confused and hurt by that reaction, and she couldn’t blame the poor guy for feeling what he did and not knowing why she couldn’t return the same feelings. He winds up taking it about as well as she thinks one might when she goes with it being too complicated being so far away and that she only saw him as a friend.

 

Evgenia just ends up missing Alina more that night when all she wants to do is tell her about a boy who decided to show interest. And they could gossip and joke and laugh about it. She cuddles Jerry and cries and tries not to think about how Jerry was another thing she was gonna have to say goodbye to come morning. She cries because there was no conversation of any kind with Alina and there is no goodbye. She doesn’t think she has any tears left when the plane takes off and home and Alina start to disappear. Falling into her mothers shoulder and feeling like a frightened, helpless child for the first time since she was one.


	9. july, 2018.

_**~~~** _

__

The adjustment period had begun the moment she stepped foot in Canada. It was made somewhat easier by other new TCC transplant, Jason Brown. They had connected more when his announcement came as well, and they had kicked it off pretty easily. Jason helping her and her mother find a place to live and even picking them up at the airport and taking them there when they had arrived. He’s funny and sweet and energetic and it was enough to keep her calm and happy as she settled into her new life and home.

 

Her first day on TCC ice had been kind of a surreal moment. All of the talent before her that had come here and trained and became everything that they were. Yuna Kim, Yuzuru, Javi. She never really imagined herself ever training on that same ice, in that same space. She was already someone, but she felt brand new. A new Evgenia was on her first day of so many new things.

 

Brian ushers her into his office one day, about two or three weeks after her arrival. Ever cheerful and kind.

 

“How is everything going for you?” He asks, settling in his chair. Evgenia taking the one on the other side of the desk and smiling shyly.

 

“It’s been different. But good.”

 

“It might be strange to you for a while, but you look comfortable. That’s what we want to see.”

 

He goes over a few things about the day, about her schedule and how she’ll get to see Tracy tomorrow and work with her. Agreeing that He and Tracy would take turns between their students, making sure Evgenia got an equal amount of time and attention just as everyone else got.

 

“Have you thought much about what direction you would like to go in terms of your programs?”

 

This was something she had been thinking about quite a bit. It was one of the key things they had discussed, what she wanted out of this change. A chance to finally have her voice involved in what she did. But it had been a bit harder than she had thought. Being used to one rule of thought and routine wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to shake.

 

“I have a few things in mind, but I haven’t really narrowed them down,” she ends up saying carefully. Brian considers that with a thoughtful hum before speaking.

 

“Perhaps we could listen to what you have together, and see if we can narrow it down. A second or third opinion is always a good idea.”

 

So she winds up staying later than usual, Tracy ending up on a call as the three of them listened to a few songs. In the end they all come to a mutual agreement, and after working on choreography with David for a little over a week after that, she felt ready to actually announcement her programs.

 

When she does that, she comes across something that reminds her of the thoughts and feelings and person she’s been able to not think about (as much) lately. Watching Nathan’s latest instagram post playing on a loop.

 

Him and Alina, smiling so much you could feel it through the screen. Doing some sort of little dance that when reading the caption, has to do with Alina’s dog.

 

She had forgotten about that show they were both going to be at. And she had forgotten how much that had gnawed at her. She was reminded now. Especially of all the ugly jealous feelings she didn’t like feeling. She almost goes as far as to message Gabby, seeing as she was there as well, and asking her to keep her updated on those two. That would just mean she would have to answer a lot of questions about why and that’s what does it to talk herself out of that. That, and the fact that she was trying not to do those stupid little things anymore.

 

It isn’t really stupid, but it’s definitely something one could narrow their eyes at if they knew what they were looking at.

 

Evgenia’s scrolling through the various notifications and comments on her program post. Trying to gage what people were thinking about it, when she comes across one comment that stands out. For a lot of reasons. She had stopped when she had noticed the familiar Russian spelling of Alina’s name and when she read on it was definitely the last thing she wanted to see.

 

 _Alina will shit herself_ with what felt like a passive aggressive smiley face after those words. And some other nonsense about how her programs were better and blah blah blah. She didn’t care. She doesn’t even think about it when she snaps off a reply.

 

_Watch your mouth._

 

Defending, protecting Alina, was basically an instinct. Something she hasn’t done for a while now though. She had refused to answer questions about her when everything happened, and that just lead to not talking about her at all. At least not publicly. Now, she couldn’t help it. She broke her public Alina silence out of pure _I have to protect her_ instinct. Not even thinking about what she could get out of that. Alina maybe, somehow, noticing? Speaking to her?

 

She didn’t think about that. Johnny tells her actions speak louder than words, even if she did use some words. It was the action. He tells her it was a silly little act of love, if anything. She kind of knew that already. As much as she has been trying to avoid thinking about that, about her, that repeating mantra of how she was never going to forget plays on in her head.

 

She gets reminders everyday. Alina and Nathan and Dima on Alina’s instagram live. Alina and Nathan and the rest of the cast going to the aquarium together. Alina and Nathan and the cast going sightseeing together. Alina and Nathan constantly together in pictures. Side by side with their arms around each other. There’s even one instance where Alina’s wearing the hat that Nathan had been wearing in his first post of the two of them.

 

Evgenia wants to scream. Or crawl in a hole and die. Because that used to be her. She used to do all those things with Alina. She used to be the one at her side at all times. They used to share clothing with each other. She hated that she felt this emotion. She was starting to hate that she loved her and that it wasn’t going away.

 

Evgenia does one last very stupid thing. In a moment of crisis and another tearful breakdown. Wanting to forget her true feelings, wanting to forget the truth she should have kept deep down and as far away from the light of day as possible.

 

She messages Kristian and asks if the idea of them getting closer was still a possibility. He replies far too quickly and with too much ease. It was easier to distract yourself with someone else and pretend you were one thing when you weren’t. She was good at pretending once before. Why couldn’t she do it again? And while that was what she had been looking for, the ease of which he says yes and the ease of hiding and pretending, it becomes abundantly clear down the road she was never going to be able to pull it off.

 

Every time they got on Skype in place of physical dates, it felt off. Every time they talked on the phone it was the wrong voice speaking Russian into her ear. Every time their text messages got a little too flirtatious Evgenia would close her eyes and imagine what it would be like if it were Alina texting her _I’d kiss a path slowly down your neck_.

 

If he notices her hesitance and her distance, he doesn’t say anything. And she never brings it up. She was never going to say _I’m gay and in love with a girl who no longer speaks to me so this can never work._

 

It doesn’t become an absolutely impossible to ignore kind of clear to her until he suggests coming to visit her one day. To go on a real date and _maybe more_. Evgenia’s sitting on the floor of Gabby’s apartment, with her and Jason and Yuzuru surrounding her as they all had an indoor lunch picnic and prepared to watch a movie.

 

And she kind of zones out. Forgets how to breathe as she thinks about how that would go. How she would sit through a dinner date, the most uncomfortable she probably ever could be, leading up to a kiss and more and

 

_Oh, god._

 

“What?” She hears Yuzuru say somewhere next to her. Not having realized that she had said those words out loud.

 

“Are you okay?” Gabby and Jason both ask and Evgenia can’t hear anything else. Not clearly at least. Phone falling from her hand and hitting the hardwood floor with a light clatter. She was having a panic attack, that’s definitely what this was.

 

Hands are on her and several frantic voices surround her. One hand strokes her back in an effort to help calm her down while, she thinks it’s Yuzuru, sits in front of her and holds her hands and tries to get her to focus. She thinks she sees Gabby to the side on the phone, and she thinks she hears her mothers name being said.

 

Time passes like that slowly at first. Until everything comes back into focus and she feels like she’s in her body again.

 

“Evgenia? Are you okay?” That’s Jason’s voice. It’s Jason’s hand on her back, she realizes.

 

She gives a feeble nod. Her hands being squeezed by, yes, Yuzuru, when she looks up and meets his gaze.

 

“I called your mom, I didn’t know what else to do,” Gabby says quickly and with worry as she rejoins them. Evgenia gives a shake of her head, no words coming out at first when she opens her mouth. Clearing her throat with a cough and then a large exhale.

 

“I’m okay, I just— I’m okay.”

 

“What happened?” Yuzuru asks.

 

“I think it was a panic attack,” Jason says carefully. Hand still resting securely on her back.

 

Evgenia feels ridiculous and embarrassed and like a burden all of a sudden. All of this over something equally ridiculous and embarrassing.

 

“I’ll get you some water,” Gabby offers. “And then we’ll talk.”

 

Evgenia didn’t want to talk. Her eyes only able to find Yuzuru’s right now and pleading with him to not let that happen. He seems to take the hint, carefully rising from the floor and bringing her with him.

 

“Actually, I’m going to take her out on the deck for a bit. Fresh air might help.”

 

Jason and Gabby both look at each other, before nodding. Remembering to check the food before it burned and letting the other two escape outside.

 

Yuzuru doesn’t say anything right away, and neither does she. Evgenia sitting in one of the deck chairs and staring out at nothing in particular.

 

“So,” Yuzuru eventually starts. Turning to look at her from his chair. “You wanna try and explain why you almost died back there?”

 

“I didn’t almost die,” she says quickly. Having finally found her voice.

 

“You went from red as a tomato to pale as a ghost very quickly, you could have fooled me.”

 

She bites her bottom lip as she thinks about the pros and cons of actually saying anything. She knew she could trust Yuzuru, he was one of her closest friends and despite the always obnoxious rumors circling them, they had managed to grow closer since she arrived in Toronto.

 

She decides to go the easiest route she can with this.

 

“You know Kristian?”

 

Yuzuru nods.

 

“Well,” she starts with a breathe in, and then continues on the exhale. “He wanted to come here. And go on an actual date. And, other stuff, I guess.”

 

Her friends first response is a laugh. “Oh, boy. And _that_ was your reaction to that? That’s not good at all.”

 

Evgenia’s brows knit together and chokes on her own voice for a second before she manages to get the next words out. “It’s not just the idea of that happening with him. It’s the idea of that happening in general. With anyone.”

 

She pauses, licks her lips nervously, and then turns her head to look at Yuzuru. She didn’t know if she could say it, but she manages to find her voice again.

 

“With any guy, really.”

 

She says it barely above a whisper, and there’s a flutter of confusion that crosses Yuzuru’s features for a moment before his brows inch upwards, and his lips part in realization.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So, you’re—?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He makes a grunting sound of ‘huh’ as he looks away and falls into his own state of thinking and staring at nothing. Evgenia feels a little unnerved by it. Wondering if this was suddenly going to be the moment he came out with actually liking her and she was going to be forced to deal with two different guys and their feelings while dealing with her own, more complicated ones.

 

That doesn’t end up happening. Yuzuru turning back to her with a kind smile.

 

“I guess that means we have more in common than we thought.”

 

Evgenia blinks at those words, mulling them over and coming to her own realization, features probably not that much different than his had been.

 

“You’re—?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Wow,” she says softly. Eventually falling into a bit of laughter. “I guess us as a couple really is more unlikely than anyone thought.”

 

“You have no idea how many times I have wanted to say, ‘ _sure, Evgenia’s cool and all, but I would much rather be with a guy_ ’” He says it around his own laugh, then shrugs.

 

“When did you know?”

 

“A few months ago,” she admits quietly.

 

“I’ve known for about a year. I’ve probably had feelings for the same person longer than that, though.”

 

She looks at him curiously, and asks what she hopes isn’t a dumb question. “Javi?”

 

Yuzuru’s response is an easy chuckle and a shake of his head in the negative. “No. I don’t hate myself enough at least to fall for the straight guy who likes his girlfriend very much.”

 

“Is the guy you like gay?” She asks.

 

“I have no idea. With my luck, probably not.” His features fall into a bit of pensive sadness, but only for a second before he recovers and looks at her. “What about you? Is there a girl you like?”

 

Evgenia swallows, nods slowly. “Yeah. I have no idea if she’s straight or not. I may never know.”

 

She isn’t sure if that was enough to reveal the last remaining secret about all of this. She hopes it was. She watches Yuzuru’s eyes narrow at her slightly, before he hums. A smile that seems knowing crossing over his lips. Well, so much for being subtle.

 

“I guess that explains your weird behavior. All of this does, honestly.”

 

“My weird behavior?” She asks. Like she wasn’t already aware of her own ridiculousness. He doesn’t answer that entirely straightforward.

 

“Who would have ever known Zagitova would have messed Medvedeva up like _this_.”

 

She winds up laughing, not really expecting that to be her reaction to that. But it feels oddly good. This moment, giving her a little bit more ease. Yuzuru convinces her to cut it off with Kristian, as kindly as one could. And with his help she ends up deciding on a complete cut off. No social media for her for the remainder of the summer and no reason to feel all of the stupid and ugly things she’s been feeling of late. She could try and get over Alina, even. Maybe that was best anyway.

 

So Evgenia goes off the grid. She deletes twitter and instagram and VK off of her phone, if people really needed her they had her number and that was it. She was going to spend the remainder of her summer discovering and enjoying her new home. She was going to focus on her training and get herself properly prepared for the approaching season. She goes back inside when she finally feels better, putting her mother at ease when she shows up and eating a good meal with equally good friends.

 

Of course, she misses one VK message sometime in about mid September.

 

_Hi_

_Can we talk?_


	10. october / november, 2018.

_**~~~** _

__

The summer comes and goes, and fall sets in. An easy transition into October. Which means her first Grand Prix of the season comes quicker than she thought it would, for a while it felt like time was moving much too slowly. She was anxious to get back, after the injury and the fall out of all of those things. She was anxious to prove herself. That Evgenia Medvedeva wasn’t gone and done for, that she simply took a hiatus. This was still her world. She wanted it to be her world.

 

Brian is as encouraging as ever, but he doesn’t let her get too ahead of herself or let her head get too big. He’s always reminding her that she didn’t need to win everything under the sun this first year to prove anything. It was enough that she was finally healthy and able to compete at her highest level. Of course, she can’t help but let it somewhat when she charges out onto that ice to the roar of a crowd welcoming her back. A subtle smirk on her face before she takes to her starting position.

 

And the cheers are even better when she’s done. That smirk replaced with a smile of gratitude. She had worried that she had lost too many supporters when she made the change to TCC. That maybe she made more enemies than she had before. But the crowd was behind her, and when she wins that first Grand Prix she sits in the kiss and cry with wondrous disbelief and Brian and Tracy embrace her from both sides and everything feels _right_.

 

She smiles and giggles and sings her anthem with enthusiasm from the top of the podium. Tears in her eyes out of excitement and relief. She hugs Wakaba and Gabby when they stand together for pictures and congratulates them both on their medals, and the dinner they go to afterwards is as fun as the skate around the rink together waving to the fans.

 

She breaks her social media silence, only for instagram, to share a picture of her with her medal. A picture of her, Brian and Tracy. And one of her and her friends holding their medals together. Thanking those who cheered her on and promising to build on this and show everyone more and more of herself on that ice. And deletes the app again after the post goes up.

 

Her mother welcomes her back home with open arms and numerous kisses and though Evgenia knows her mother absolutely didn’t watch her skates, she did manage to tell her what happened. The proud mother as usual. She takes her out for a celebratory dinner, and she feels as good as she did at dinner with her friends. Talking happily about everything and nothing that she saw and did at the competition. Her attitude and demeanor a far cry from what it had been over the summer. And her mother has noticed.

 

“It’s good to see you so happy,” she says. Chin resting in her hand and smiling warmly. “I was scared there for a while that we had made a mistake, that none of this would work out.”

 

Evgenia lowers her fork and knife as she stops mid cut of her chicken, looking at her mother with a small smile.

 

“You’re not alone in thinking that. It just took some time, and I would say it was all worth it.”

 

“And you are, right? You are happy?” Her mother asks carefully, almost as if she didn’t want to jinx it somehow.

 

“I am,” Evgenia nods. She was. She was in a better place. That new Evgenia and what not.

 

“Well, I’m glad to hear it,” her mother nods. Returning to her food now, and Evgenia does the same. Her mother going on, and she wishes she hadn’t.

 

“And how is Kristian doing?”

 

It was an innocent question. Her mother didn’t know any better, because she never even told her mother that he was no longer in the picture after... That Incident.

 

She twirls the knife in her hand, letting her fingers roll over it, over and over as she thinks about this before she shrugs, and answers simply.

 

“That’s not a thing anymore. We haven’t talked in a few months.”

 

Her mother pauses mid bite, brows scrunching in disappointment. “I’m sorry to hear that. I thought you two were a good match.”

 

Evgenia wants to laugh, but doesn’t. While she was out to a handful of her friends, she could never find a way to broach that subject with her mother. She could never find the right way to say _well, mom, no guy will ever be the perfect match. Off topic but not really, how do you feel about same sex marriage?_

 

And out at dinner for a happy occasion didn’t seem like the right time either. She swallows down the truth and clicks her tongue.

 

“Oh well, I guess. Let’s not talk about it. How is work?”

 

It serves as enough of a distraction, her mother liked talking about what she did and Evgenia liked hearing about it. So the dinner and the good mood isn’t lost. The car ride is mostly silent, save for the radio playing, so the night isn’t ruined either.

 

She settles into bed with her phone later, typing and sending a quick message to Yuzuru.

 

**Mom asked about Kristian**

 

_uh oh_

_how’d that go?_

 

**Not a big deal, said what you might expect**

 

_well that’s good I guess_

_why are you telling me about it?_

 

**Because I thought about telling her the truth**

**About why we aren’t dating**

 

_oh_

_fuck_

_did you??_

 

**No… idk if I can bring myself to**

**Does your mom know?**

 

_she does, but I think we’ve been exposed to the mainstream and gay scene enough now in Toronto for her to not make a big deal of it_

 

**Sigh**

**Do you ever think about what the news would be like if we came out?**

 

_two of the worlds most renowned athletes, coming out as gay, who represent countries who don’t have the best attitude towards gay people?_

_it would be a mess_

 

**Hahaha**

 

_you think if I proposed to my guy on the podium that would be the best way to do it?_

 

**You propose to him and I’ll propose to Alina at the GPF**

 

_I’m holding you to that_

 

**I said that specifically because I know it isn’t happening**

 

_Buzzkill_

 

.

.

.

 

November sneaks up on her, and with it comes the first bit of weather that requires her to go outside in a sweater. A light one, but a sweater nonetheless. She and Jason are sitting by the water with some coffee and spending some time together before he went ahead early to France. They were going to the same assignment, but he had promised a little trip for his mother beforehand. And this coffee and time together was a promise to see her and give her an early birthday present as well.

 

“It’s not much, but it’s something,” he said. Placing a neatly wrapped box in her lap. She smiles warmly and sets her coffee aside as she opens it. Revealing a set of cooking knifes and a custom made apron. Reading _skating blades aren’t the only things I’m skilled with_. Evgenia laughs brightly.

 

“I know you’ve been trying to actually cook more in your down time, so I figured this might be a nice addition to the kitchen. They don’t make rose gold knives, so I'm sorry that you’re stuck with silver.”

 

“Silver isn’t so bad,” she says at the end of her laugh. “I love this. Thank you, Jason.”

 

She sets the gift aside and leans forward to give him a tight hug. And the gifts don’t end there, Gabby takes her out for lunch the next day. And Yuzuru takes her to a movie and ice cream the night before her actual birthday.

 

Gabby gives her a new makeup kit. Yuzuru gives her a fake ring he says she has to propose to Alina with. She nearly shoves his bowl of ice cream up into his face, before he gives her the real gift. The entire Tokyo Ghoul DVD set, and they marathon as much as they can of it later before they both pass out.

 

Waking up the next day to birthday breakfast prepared by her mother. Yuzuru enjoys it like it’s _his_ birthday. And the day from that point on is perfect. She goes to practice and everyone sings her happy birthday and Brian brings her a small cake with nineteen candles on it. Teasing her to make a wish for each candle.

 

She doesn’t make nineteen wishes, but she does make one. A very simple one.

 

Back at home later that night she decides she should probably check her instagram and her VK, seeing as family probably wished her a happy birthday and she didn’t want to be rude. That whole plan stops when she opens her VK messages and scrolls, finding a name she didn’t think she would ever see there.

 

_Hi_

_Can we talk?_

 

Evgenia nearly drops her phone and throws it across the room as she sits up abruptly. She doesn’t pay attention to any other details, her heart racing, but then immediately sinking when see notices the day. It was from about two months ago, and at the very bottom she read words she didn’t want to read at all.

 

_You can no longer message this user_

 

“No. No, no, no,” she says under her breath. Tears coming quickly and when she clicks on the name and opens Alina’s profile and nothing shows up, the tears flow freely.

 

“Fuck. FUCK,” she grits out sharply. Phone falling to the bed and her head falling into her hands as she trembles.

 

Alina had reached out to her, and she had missed it. If there had been any chance of reconciliation and Alina not hating her, that was gone now. Clearly.

 

_You can no longer message this user_

 

She puts her arm over her mouth and throws herself down into her pillows. She didn’t want her mother to hear her, but she couldn’t stop the little meltdown she ends up having. Forgetting about the fun and the good day and crying herself to sleep. Realizing quickly and sadly that new Evgenia, nineteen year old Evgenia, was still as in love with Alina as old and eighteen year old Evgenia had been.

 

About a week later, she wins her second assignment. And things feel a little better again. The elation of that enough to distract her after her meltdown. One she hasn’t had in months and she definitely had enjoyed not feeling that. With this victory came more smiles and something to be proud of. It also meant she had to mentally prepare herself for the final, and she had to mentally prepare herself with facing Alina.

 

An Alina who has also won her assignments and was looking less like the one hit wonder people were sure she was going to be. Evgenia knew better. She didn’t like to act like she knew the sport better than some people, but she at least knew Alina better than anyone did. Alina was always going to be her number one competition, as it seemed to be meant that way.

 

She’s sitting in the back of the locker room. Head resting against the wall and staring into space when the door opens. It’s Brian who comes strolling in, sitting himself down on the bench next to her. Quiet for a tick, before he pats the top of her knee.

 

“You did good work today. But I couldn’t help but notice you seemed a little more distracted than usual.”

 

“I suppose there’s more distracting me than the previous competitions,” she says quietly.

 

“It’s a big competition, I know,” he acknowledged. Brian looking at her rather knowingly. “I sense there’s more to this distraction, though.”

 

“Perhaps,” she says quickly. She got the feeling that he wanted her to open up. Something she wasn’t quite used to in a coaching dynamic.

 

He saw it as a beneficial thing when his skaters were honest with him when something was wrong. She had argued with herself that qualified as more of a I’m not feeling good physically sort of thing. Not an emotional thing. But she knew better. She knew a mental block brought on by stressful emotions could be as bad as any sort of physical set back.

 

“Well,” he says shortly. Giving her knee another pat. “If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.”

 

She’s quiet as he stands and heads back towards the door. A question coming to mind suddenly, and she hadn’t thought about it much prior to this moment. Even though now, she couldn’t think of anyone other than Johnny, or perhaps Adam Rippon, who would be better to ask. She didn’t think this was going to come up anytime soon, or be something she would have to face anytime soon but, she wanted to know. She needed to know.

 

“How did you do it?” She asks. Brian turning and looking at her curiously.

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

She sits up a bit straighter, chewing on her bottom lip before elaborating. “How did you handle being gay, and being outed the way that you were?”

 

She’s almost certain _that_ wasn’t something he had been expecting. It’s clear as day on his face as he searches for his own words. Thinking about her question. Slowly approaching the bench and sitting back down.

 

“It was probably the most difficult experience of my life,” he says. Calmly. Like this wasn’t as big a deal to speak about anymore. “I hadn’t expected it to happen the way that it did.”

 

“Did you feel robbed? Like someone stole that from you? I know…” she trails off for a moment, voice catching before continuing clearly. “I know that coming out is a huge deal, and should be done on ones own terms.”

 

“It should. The world had other plans, and I had to roll with the punches. Maybe it made me the person I am today, made me stronger. Who knows.” He shrugs slightly. Again looking at her curiously.

 

“If you don’t mind me asking, what might this have to do with anything?”

 

_I’m gay, Brian_. It sounds so easy in her head. It seems so easy to just, do it. Say it. But she felt herself choking up any time she thought she could bring it up and it never came out. Save for with Johnny, and Yuzuru and eventually Wakaba one night back in October. Four whole people knew and one was herself. She recalled the moment of calmness and peace she felt afterwards when she did say it, even though she thought the dread leading up to every one of those moments was going to drive her crazy and right back into hiding.

 

He’s still looking at her with those curious eyes, with some concern sprinkled in there. Evgenia swallows down her fear and again she’s honest about that thing she was never honest enough about.

 

“I’m in love with a girl and that’s what’s distracting me.”

 

Brian just stares at her. Unmoving and not speaking for a long moment and Evgenia doesn’t know what to do with that. She’s almost worried she stunned him into a coma or something, and she’s about to poke him to see if he’s still there when he blinks back to life.

 

“Are you… worried that this will come out somehow?”

 

“Not really,” she shakes her head. “It’s just, it’s what’s been on my mind. Her.”

 

He hums, thoughtful again. “Is this girl going to be at the final?”

 

“Yes.”

 

There’s another moment of silence, and then Brian’s standing. Closing the remaining distance between them and placing his hands on either side of her head. Leaning down and dropping a kiss to the top of head.

 

“You’re going to be okay. This part of you, it doesn’t have to come out if you don’t want it to. We’ll focus on skating and only skating. You’ll have a good competition.”

 

Evgenia’s eyes flutter closed and she lets out a small choked breath of emotion.

 

“Practice breathing with me, Evgenia.”

 

He takes a slow, deep breath in. And then exhales. She does the same, and they repeat that together.

 

A breath in.

 

A breath out.


	11. december, 2018.

_**~~~** _

 

_Breathe, Zhenya, breathe._

 

Just a figure moving by. That’s all she is. But it’s enough. It’s enough to catch Evgenia’s attention and she forgets everything that Brian had told her. At least for a second. But a second too long. She can’t focus through her program, but it doesn’t even matter. Brian gives her break, though he’s strict about her wandering eye. She knew she needed to cut it out or else she might as well pack it up and go home now. She wasn’t going to have a decent competition if she kept this up.

 

She’s back by the boards, yanking a tissue from the box Luna is holding, wiping at her face and her neck and under her nose as she exhales heavily. Out of frustration.

 

“It wasn’t terrible, I promise you,” Brian says. Waggling his hand in a so-so manner. “We can end today on this note at least. You need to get some rest.”

 

“Right,” she nods.

 

“Watch something you like. Listen to some music. Maybe go out and have a meal with a bunch of strangers that you have no obligation or connection to. Something that’ll ease your mind off of what you’re thinking about.”

 

Evgenia glances up at him, smiling a half smile as she nodded again. And she does take that advice. She finds the closest sushi place that she can and orders her favorite roll and her favorite tea. Listening to voices and various conversations and knowing she didn’t need to be involved. It was definitely nice. She starts to wonder if Brian was some sort of super genius that knew the answer to everything.

 

She eats her sushi in peace and doesn’t think about much of anything. She’s about to head out some time later when she hears a familiar voice. An all too familiar voice. Her heart rate increasing almost immediately.

 

_Fuck_.

 

She doesn’t want to look, but she finds herself leaning a bit to the side, in the direction of that voice and finding Alina sat at a table in the corner. Chopsticks waving in the air as she gestures with her hands, laughing brightly. Evgenia’s eyes sweeping the couple of inches to the side and finding Nathan to be the person Alina was talking so animatedly with.

 

Of all the goddamn places she could have ended up going to, she had to wind up at the same one with Alina. Or Alina just had to go to the one place she was at. Of course that would happen to her. Of course she would have to see her, happy and enjoying herself with someone else. Her stupid, rapidly spinning mind telling her _date, it looks like a date_ and that kind of makes her want to throw up.

 

She quickly throws cash down in the spot she had been seated. Pulling her coat on and winding her scarf around her neck, a little too tightly but she doesn’t even care. She felt like her own feelings were the thing suffocating her. And she bounds past the table those two are sat at, but she doesn’t escape without notice like she had hoped.

 

“Evgenia?” She hears Nathan call out. A small clatter of a glass hitting a plate from someone else. She screams at herself to not turn around. She was never good at listening to herself, ever.

 

Slowly turning, she fixes as genuine a smile as she can onto her face. “Nathan, hello.”

 

“So weird that you would be here, too,” he says cheerfully. Evgenia just nods stiffly.

 

“Weird. Yes. I was about to head out actually, so…”

 

“Oh, darn. I was gonna see if you wanted my dessert because I can’t finish it, and Alina here claims she can’t eat anymore even though she just ordered another roll.”

 

He’s laughing and completely unaware of her discomfort, and the other person who hasn’t moved an inch. Hasn't turned around at all to look at her or acknowledge her somehow.

 

“Another time, perhaps,” she offers. “I’ll see you around.”

 

She turns sharply on her heel and pushes through the door into the Canada winter. Stomping away as quickly as she can, but it isn’t quick enough. Because she can hear a voice calling for her, even though it’s a small voice.

 

“Evgenia, wait.”

 

It’s Alina, and she wants to keep walking. She tries, but there are still persistent footsteps coming up behind her. Slowly her pace and eventually coming to a stop, but she doesn’t turn around. The girl seems to take the hint, and rounds her shoulder to face her. Alina’s cheeks are red from the cold and she isn’t wearing her coat. Indicating that she had gotten up impulsively and ran after her. Evgenia didn’t know how that made her feel.

 

Alina doesn’t say anything right away, and Evgenia shuffles from foot to foot a bit impatiently. “What is it?”

 

“I just, I just—“ Alina seems to be struggling to find anything to say. Adding to Evgenia’s impatience and most of all, her nerves. She was more nervous than she’s ever been before a competition.

 

When Alina doesn’t say anything else, Evgenia lets out a puff of breath. Watching it billow out into the night. “Listen, it’s cold. You’re probably freezing, and I need to get back.”

 

There’s a dejected look that crosses the girls features. Arms winding around herself. Either in protection from the cold, or Evgenia. She doesn’t know. It puts her further out on the edge she was already dangling from.

 

“I miss you,” Alina blurts out. Teeth chattering a bit as she shivers. Again, from the cold or her own words, she has no clue.

 

It was something she had been dying to hear for months now, but actually hearing it, she didn’t think she could handle this.

 

“I can’t do this right now,” she murmurs. Avoiding eye contact.

 

“Why not?”

 

“We can’t talk right now.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Alina!” She snaps. Bringing a hand to her face and swallowing down a rough breath. The other girl doesn’t seem to be willing to back down, and she steps forward a bit more into her space.

 

“Why can’t you talk to me? Just— just talk to me!”

 

“I can’t!”

 

“Why?!” Alina shouts back.

 

“Alina…”

 

“No! I want to know why! I want to know why you are so incapable of telling me anything. Why you couldn’t have told me you were leaving, why you didn’t tell me when you left. You just left. I had to find out through the _news_. I had to find out you were truly gone through an _instagram_ post. Never you! Why? I need to know why!”

 

Her voice has risen with every word. Eyes wild and frantic and Evgenia doesn’t blame her one bit for it. She had every reason to be angry, and she doesn’t feel like she has any right to deny her this outburst. Tears were prickling at the corner of her eyes, stinging more than usual in the cold. And she had been teetering on that edge, and she finally tumbles right over. Better to fall, than let this close in around her once more.

 

“I didn’t tell you because I knew if I did I would have to tell you why it hurt so badly. I would have to tell you that while all I wanted to do was leave for something more I couldn’t do it without my heart breaking no matter what, because I’d have to tell you that I was in love with you.”

 

She rears back the moment those words leave her mouth, Alina doing the same and Evgenia can’t bear to look at the horror on Alina’s face. Both girls staring at each other like they were truly seeing the other for the first time, even though that was far from the truth. An omission of truth had that effect on a moment, perhaps.

 

The air surrounding them suddenly felt like a million daggers piercing through her every time she took a breath, every passing second of silence eating away at her. Alina unmoving and staring her down like a frozen statue. Evgenia can only bring herself to look away and down at the ground.

 

“You need to go back inside before you freeze to death or catch a cold.”

 

Her voice is low and there’s a shake to it as she tries to keep herself together. Her speaking first seems to finally bring Alina back to the moment.

 

“You could have told me,” she says. Evgenia suddenly hates the calmness of her words and her voice. The lack of any emotion there. And Alina continues.

 

“You could have told me, and instead you wound up hurting me… hurting yourself… hurting us. Regardless. You could have told me. You should have told me.”

 

Alina wasn’t wrong. She knew this all along. A couple tears leak from her eyes and burn a trail down her cold reddened face. Slowly and carefully looking back up at the girl standing in front of her.

 

“I thought I was protecting you.”

 

“From _what_ , Zhen?”

 

She didn’t really have an answer to that. All of the bad things that could have happened ended up happening anyway, had she stayed silent or not. All she can do is shake her head. A disgruntled sigh leaving Alina.

 

“I didn’t need protection. I didn’t need protection from you, or your feelings. I just needed you. I survived what happened, but it would have been so much easier with you.”

 

She was full on crying now. Desperate, pathetic sobs wracking her body and she could sense Alina’s dislike of that. She could see the physical wince her body makes in an effort to hold back from throwing herself at her. Alina never used to do that, and it makes this hurt so much more.

 

“I didn’t know how to be around you, when I— when I knew.”

 

“Evgenia,” Alina says with a slow breath in. “I would have done anything in the world to hear you say those words. _Alina, I love you_. Because I loved you so much and was so desperate to matter to you like you mattered to me.”

 

The use of loved rather than love, it shatters something inside of her and she’s pretty sure it’s her heart. And she can’t listen to another word, she can’t stand here any longer.

 

“You need to go inside,” she repeats. Again refusing to look at Alina. She was certain if she did, if she had to see her walk away, she wouldn’t be able to come back from that.

 

Not another word passes between them, and she only listens to Alina breathe heavily in the cold. And then footsteps disappear in the other direction. And Evgenia wishes she could disappear, she wishes that the ground would open up under her and she would fall right through.

 

.

.

.

 

Surprisingly, she manages to make it another day. And she was numb enough to what had happened that it didn’t seem to interfere with her work ethic at all. Brian seemed relieved, and she didn’t want to explain to him why the sudden change probably happened. All she wanted to do was focus on finishing this competition, and getting away from everything and everyone as quickly as she could.

 

She sees glimpses of her here and there. That was unavoidable. Alina wins the short program, and Evgenia finishes second. Evgenia wins the free skate, and Alina finishes third. The two of them getting gold and silver respectively and the podium is about as chilling as it had been that night it all fell apart once more. They don’t look at each other. They pose for pictures about as robotically as they could. And no words are exchanged between them afterwards.

 

Evgenia goes the next day to cheer Yuzuru on. Alina is there, too. Cheering on Nathan. Yuzuru winds up winning, Nathan is second and Shoma third. Evgenia watches the two Japanese boys thoughtfully and carefully. Yuzuru linked his arm with Shoma’s after having leaned in to whisper something to him. Shoma smiles a goofy, lopsided smile and nods happily.

 

Evgenia won’t know what that was about until she can see Yuzuru afterwards. The young man strolling up to her with a radiant smile and meeting her in a warm embrace.

 

“I asked him.”

 

“Asked who what?”

 

“Shoma. I asked him to marry me.”

 

“Wait, what?!”

 

She leans back out of the hug and Yuzuru just laughs. A stupid laugh. The kind of laugh that you laugh when you’re ridiculously happy.

 

“You—Shoma— you asked? Marriage? What?”

 

“Oh no, appears I broke you,” he teases. Giving her a gentle pat on the back. “We can talk more about this at dinner.

 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah we will.”

 

He gives her a wink before he moves past her and over to Brian and Tracy. Evgenia in a state of disbelief as her eyes find Alina and Nathan, Nathan having just put his guards on and darting over to the girl just as she dashes to him and enveloping her into a hug. When they separate they both look down at his medal and toy around with it, laughing about something shared between them and Evgenia has to look away. She has to walk away. But she manages to catch Alina’s line of sight as she’s busy gathering up her things to go and they both freeze. Staring daggers at the other and Evgenia almost wishes that look would strike her down, because it felt close enough to accomplishing that. She swallows visibly and audibly and then ducks away.

 

She retreats back to her hotel room and while Yuzuru had tried to keep that promise of dinner, she doesn’t really have the energy to go out. She tells him to go with Shoma instead and tells him to tell her all about it some other time, how Shoma was the mystery man and whether or not he actually meant what he said about marriage.

 

She puts her things away in her room, tidies up a bit and eventually decides while she didn’t want to go out, she didn’t want to be coped up in her room either. Some air might be good for her. So she finds herself out on the hotel patio, bundled in her coat and staring at the night sky. There were a few people scattered about here and there. Couples mostly. Enjoying a moment after a dinner, blah blah blah. Evgenia looks down at her hands and watches her fingers twist around themselves. She thought about Yuzuru and Shoma and how they were probably enjoying the same kind of night together. She wondered if she would ever have that. She didn’t like to dwell on it, fantasize about it. It made her feel weak and like a dumb, daydreaming teenager. But Evgenia had never had those dumb, teenager daydreams. Wrapped up in sports instead while every other girls she knew fell in love.

 

Evgenia had fallen in love, and never once truly enjoyed that fact. Daydreaming only once or twice about a distant future with the girl of her dreams at her side. It was all she allowed herself anyway. A future like that wasn’t possible. It was probably time she accept that.

 

There’s a throat clearing somewhere behind her, and when she turns around she finds that very same girl she had been thinking about standing there watching her. Alina rarely appeared shy and unsure of herself anymore, Evgenia noticed that pretty quickly throughout this season, or learned from the stories she had heard. But she looked shy and uncertain of herself now. Bundled in a coat that looked much too big on her and it took Evgenia back to another cold night in December. A whole year has passed since that night. So much has changed. So much about herself has changed, so much about Alina has changed.

 

One thing remained the same. A year later, and she loved Alina now as she did then on that night. Without having realized it yet then. Realizing now, she probably loved her more on this night.

 

“Hi,” Alina says softly.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Can I join you?”

 

“Yes,” she says quickly. Blushing slightly at how quickly she says it, Alina smiling to herself as she slowly approaches and rests her arms on the railing in front of them. Evgenia doesn’t look away from her, and Alina stares ahead. Findling with her thumbs.

 

“I thought a lot about the other night.”

 

“You don’t,” she’s quick to jump in, “you don’t need to say anything.”

 

“Yes I do,” Alina answers back just as quickly.

 

Evgenia presses her lips together as she readies herself for whatever it was that Alina was going to say. Turning away from her now and looking ahead as well. A second or two passes, and then Alina speaks.

 

“I realized that I had said the wrong thing that night. While you had kept your secrets, I was keeping my own. I hid behind a clever lie, one you wouldn’t notice unless you knew what you were looking for.”

 

She trails off, and Evgenia holds her breath. Alina seems to do the same, a cloud of breath around her as she exhales.

 

“I told you that I loved you,” she says. Voice noticeably calculating, like she was trying to keep herself in control. “What I wanted to tell you was that I love you.”

 

It takes her a moment to understand what that means. And when it clicks, she understands how one could miss that. It was small and insignificant to the naked eye. But that was Alina. She hid behind her own barriers, ones far more clever and carefully designed. Evgenia kept secrets, but Alina was guarded. Alina didn’t let things out that she didn’t want to let out. It makes this all the more significant.

 

Evgenia slowly turning her body in Alina’s direction. Staring at her profile and watching the girl as she chewed at the inside of her cheek.

 

“But you were so—“ she starts. Alina turning her head finally to look at her.

 

“Mad at you? Yes, I was. But I never hated you. I think I realized more than ever how I felt in that time. A rude awakening, but an awakening nonetheless.”

 

“But you and Nathan—“

 

Alina laughs heartily. “He’s my best friend, Zhen. He was the first person I told.”

 

She can’t pretend it doesn’t sting hearing _he’s my best friend_ because that had once been her. She knows she probably lost the right to that title anyway, but perhaps she was closer to another. Something big and something on a deeper level in another way.

 

She can’t seem to stop herself from the stupid questions, dancing around the bigger picture here. “You sent me a message a couple months ago. But you blocked me later. Why?”

 

Alina’s shoulders rise as she breathes in. “I thought enough time had passed and I was over enough of it to think clearly, and I missed you. So I thought fuck it, and went for it. When you never answered, it was an impulsive thing. I thought I could pretend it didn’t happen and that I was so close to talking about it all if I blocked you.”

 

Evgenia could understand that. She had escaped social media entirely just to see if she could get over everything. Clearly, their own ways of coping didn’t do them any good.

 

“I avoided social media all those months because it hurt too much seeing you. On instagram, on VK.”

 

Alina smiles a sad smile. “I figured as much. The rational part of me, at least.”

 

“We did so many things wrong. I did so many things wrong.”

 

Alina acknowledges that with a hum. Bottom lip pulled between her teeth and letting go with a quiet pop. “My mom told me falling in love is messy and stupid and it makes no sense and it isn’t perfect. I didn’t believe her because I always thought she and dad were so perfect. They always got things right. But I realized that was because they had been through it enough to know the ins and outs. And they knew when to admit when things were done wrong, because no one is perfect. I didn’t realize how right she was about it being messy and stupid until I fell in love with you, and so much of it was messy and stupid.”

 

Evgenia stands there in complete amazement at the girl standing in front of her. Saying things a sixteen year old her would never have even imagined saying. She didn’t think many people Alina’s age spoke like that. But Alina wasn’t many people. Alina always appeared beyond her actual age. Alina was talking about love like she was in her twenties and been around enough to know about it.

 

But that wasn’t the case. Alina was admitting to the messiness and the stupidity and the uncertainty of it all and just how imperfect it can be. Exactly what she had felt.

 

And Evgenia is reminded again, of what Alina was truly saying here.

 

“Alina?” She asks under her breath.

 

“Yes?”

 

She takes a cautious step forward, swallowing a lump in her throat and fighting back the nerves circulating throughout her body.

 

“I know we’re young, and we’re both pretty naive to a lot of the world and we have so much more to learn and experience and I thought many times over that maybe one day I would be over you and I could settle into a different life with someone else,” she’s speaking quickly and she’s watching Alina’s eyes track her as she keeps up, Evgenia taking a slow breath in before continuing on the exhale.

 

“But I can’t imagine myself ever wanting to be young and naive with anyone else. I can’t picture myself learning with anyone else. I saw you, and me, and a puppy or two. That’s what I wanted to settle into. Nothing, and no one else.”

 

Alina is quiet as she looks back at her. Eyes darting back and forth across her face and she knows she’s thinking. Evgenia rocking from side to side out of nerves and talking quickly again.

 

“If it’s all too much, I would understand. You’re only going on seventeen in a few months and I’m barely nineteen now. I’m not asking for an entire life together. I’m just… I’m just saying, if there’s ever a chance. For us, that I would never say no. I waited to do this, to have this moment, and I could wait longer.”

 

She trails off, like her breath into the night air and all that’s left is to stare at the dark haired girl again, as Alina stares back at her. It feels like a century locked there in each other’s gazes when Alina dawns a smile. Spreading slowly across her lips, reaching her eyes. Eyes that sparkle in the moonlight.

 

“Ask me,” she whispers. Evgenia blinks in confusion.

 

“Ask you what?”

 

“Ask me.” She repeats those words with a bit more authority, though her voice remains soft.

 

Evgenia takes a moment to think, before she arrived at an answer. Taking one more step, now breathing the same breath as Alina.

 

“Will you go out with me?”

 

She doesn’t have to wait long for an answer. That radiant smile she loved and missed so much somehow shining more.

 

“Yes,” Alina utters warmly. Arms raising and loosely looping around Evgenia’s neck as she closed any remaining space between them. Bodies pressed together and foreheads pressed together. Evgenia’s hands coming to settle on Alina’s hips as she exhaled with a breathy laugh that came from pure, emotional joy.

 

They stay like that, locked in each others arms and gently swaying from side to side and Evgenia forgets all about the cold. Alina was warm and her chest and whole body felt warm and good and she never thought _this_ was going to be possible. But they were here. Evgenia had Alina, and Alina had Evgenia.

 

Alina’s head slowly raises from the spot on Evgenia’s shoulder it had been resting, looking at her with those big brown eyes.

 

“What kind of dog were you thinking of getting in the future?”

 

Evgenia can’t help the small laugh she lets out. “Are you only going to date me for the hypothetical dog you might get out of it?”

 

“Depends on what kind of dog it is,” Alina teases. Evgenia quickly pinching her hip and laughing harder at the small whine that leaves the girl.

 

“I suppose we can start with you finally getting to meet Masaru,” Alina suggests.

 

“I would like that.”

 

“Zhen?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“There’s one more thing I want to ask you.”

 

Evgenia looks at her, gaze turning a bit more serious. “What is it?”

 

Alina’s tongue darts out to wet her lips, a nervous little tick. “Can I kiss you?”

 

She isn’t even embarrassed this time when she answers quickly. “Yes.”

 

Alina was the one to make the first move, closing the distance between them in one swift motion. Evgenia’s lips felt electric as Alina’’s touched hers. Warmed instantly in the winter night. One soft peck led to another, then two more, until finally their mouths met in a long indulgent caress that lasted way past what you might classify as the first kiss. Evgenia let out a blissful hum, Alina followed with an appreciative sound that was somewhere closer to a moan, she thinks. Their mouths eased open, deepening the kiss.

 

Alina finally made herself pull away, much to Evgenia’s disappointment. She watched Alina bring a hand up and touch her mouth, like she couldn’t believe that actually happened and Evgenia’s never seen anything cuter in all her life. Bringing her own hand up and cradling Alina’s cheek in her palm as she dove right back in. Happily welcoming this moment, this feeling, to close in around her. Wrap her up in it and never let her escape. Because she never wanted to be anywhere else or experience anything else than the way Alina winds up letting a needy sound escape her throat and onto Evgenia’s awaiting lips. She never wanted to experience anything other than Alina’s hands insistently digging into her waist and pulling her impossibly closer.

 

“Come back to my room with me,” Evgenia breathes out hotly against Alina’s mouth. The other girl rearing back enough to get a good look at her, a pointed one.

 

“Evgenia.”

 

She just chuckles throatily. “Not like that. I just want to be with you.”

 

Alina’s features slip back into an easy smile. “Okay.”

 

Their hands slowly clasp together and their fingers intertwine and Evgenia whisks them both off to warmth and alone time and time to catch up.

 

If a few more kisses sneak their way into that time, neither one of the complains.


	12. epilogue: may, 2019.

_**~~~** _

__

“Mom, Alina’s going to be here any minute. Are the cupcakes done?”

 

“Yes, yes, sweetheart. Please stop being such a bossy busybody.”

 

She gets shooed out of the kitchen and swatted at with a kitchen towel when she tries to sneak some frosting. Giggling happily, and the timing is perfect when she stumbles into the living room. A knock coming at the front door.

 

She skids across the wooden floor in her socks and stops just shy of crashing into the door, turning the lock over and swinging it open.

 

“Hi,” she greets excitedly.

 

“Hi.”

 

Evgenia steps out of the apartment and right into Alina’s arms. Both girls turning to each other as their lips met in a tender touch. Her arms lazily winding around Alina’s waist and grinning up at her. Yes, _up_ at her.

 

“You got even taller.”

 

“Shut up, I did not.”

 

Evgenia leans forward and presses a kiss to Alina’s chin. Brushing her nose over the same spot. “Did you have a good flight?”

 

“I slept most of the way,” Alina says with a mild grin. “I’ll probably keep you up all night.”

 

“Good,” Evgenia chuckles. She’s about to say something else when her mothers voice carries from inside.

 

“Evgenia, are you going to let the poor girl in or are you going to keep hiding her out in the hall?”

 

The older brunette rolls her eyes slightly, Alina giving her a little wink before she steps out of her hold and around her, right into the apartment.

 

“Hello, Zhanna.”

 

“Hi, Alina,” her mother greets warmly. Stepping forward and giving the girl a kiss on each cheek. “I’m so glad you could come stay with us for a while.”

 

“Mom,” Evgenia says, a bit anxiously. “Give her the cupcakes.”

 

“Sheesh, Zhen, she just got here.”

 

Alina just shakes her head and leaves her suitcase by the door. Following mother and daughter into the kitchen. “You know with this one, it’s her way or no way.”

 

Evgenia looks aghast as she grabs one of the cupcakes. Stabbing a candle into it. “That’s rude. You can sleep on the couch.”

 

“I don’t think so,” Alina replies easily. Stepping forward and taking a small swipe at the frosting. Licking it off her finger with a smirk. “You’ve been waiting and waiting to welcome me into your bed.”

 

“Okay!” Her mother chimes in before anything else is said. “You know I’m perfectly fine with the two of you, but I don’t need to actually _see_ it happening in my kitchen.”

 

Both girls fall into laughter, Alina’s smooth and confident and Evgenia’s a bit more uneven and shy.

 

She lets her mother light the candle and they both sing happy birthday to their guest. Alina with a bit of red tint to cheeks and Evgenia absolutely adores it. Presenting her with the cupcake.

 

“Make a wish.”

 

Alina openly gazes at her for a moment, before closing her eyes and blowing out the candle. Their eyes meeting again in a silent _I love you_ before they turn their attention to the eating portion of this little gathering.

 

Later, with Alina unpacked now in her room and both girls in their pajama’s, they stand out on the small deck attached to her room and enjoy the light breeze of a slowly approaching summer.

 

“Did you have to tell your mom about us before I showed up?” Alina wondered aloud.

 

Evgenia nods. “Yeah. I figured it was high time I did so anyway. She took it better than I thought she would.”

 

“She loves you, Zhen. Of course she did.”

 

She smiles to herself. For all her worry, things have ended up better than she could have imagined. One year ago, all of this was nothing more than a fantasy meant to comfort her. But it was one year later, and Alina was with her and her mother hadn’t abandoned her when she finally told her the truth about herself. She had good friends. She had a good career. She had everything. She was lucky, and she knew it. She never took it for granted.

 

“Did you tell your parents?”

 

“Before I left, yeah. They seemed unsurprised.”

 

Evgenia snorts lightly, looking at her with an arched brow. “Unsurprised?”

 

Alina rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. “I guess you could say I was never actually subtle about it. I just managed to hide it from you. Or it ended up seeming that way because you’re an idiot.”

 

“Probably both,” Evgenia says with a chuckle. Both of them falling into silence. Alina watching the sun setting. Evgenia watching Alina.

 

“What did you wish for?”

 

“What did _you_ wish for on your birthday?” Alina answers back. Quick and sassy, like Evgenia was used to.

 

“Happiness.”

 

Alina hums. “I wished for the same.”

 

“Do you think it came true?”

 

The girl turns and looks at her, features soft and eyes just as soft as she smiles. “You’re here, so I would say so. Do you think yours came true?”

 

Evgenia gives an adoring look, nodding. That very same answer found in her eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess it did.”

 

That smile spreads across Alina’s lips. And Evgenia moves forward and captures those lips in a slow kiss. Hands finding the small of Alina’s back and easing her girlfriend in close to her. Never quite getting over the fact that Alina was _that_. Her girlfriend.

 

Evgenia lets the kiss go, nose bumping Alina’s. Alina pecking the corner of her mouth, and then again before she hums quietly. And she thinks this would be a moment where two people whispered I love you’s under the moon and stars, but like always, she’s reminded of how Alina wasn’t anyone. And she says the most perfectly Alina things imaginable.

 

“I really want to sneak out and get some chicken nuggets.”

 

And because Evgenia loves her and knows that was just Alina in her own way talking about love and sharing it with her, she agrees.

 

The I love you’s come later anyway. Milkshake stained lips and those words exchanged through kisses. It was kind of messy and stupid, but Alina was happy. And Evgenia was happy. They had managed to storm through the walls that had fallen and surrounded them, and they managed to get here. They found this.

 

Happiness wasn’t just a wish. It was theirs, as much as they were each others.


End file.
